Shadows to the Unseen
by LadyDragonRain
Summary: It's been two weeks since Splinter died. How does each turtle deal with the pain of their father's death? And what happens when one of them goes and does something stupid? Minor violence, angst and some language. Don centric. Complete!
1. Leonardo

_I lost my father to a heart attack a few months ago. This story is a response to the emotions and the feelings that have been whirling around in my head since. I had to do something to get the why's, the what if's, and the frustration out of my head and into the written word. Had to find some way to, if not free myself of them completely, then at least lessen the pain they bring me. This is in his memory. _

Disclaimer: The TMNT and other characters shown in the TMNT Cartoons are registered trademarks of Mirage Studios USA. Based on characters and comic books created by Peter A. Laird and Kevin B. Eastman.

I mean no copyright infringement. Please don't sue me, I don't have any money; I already spent all of it on Ninja Turtle merchandise. :o)

Note: This is a sequel to my story When Raphael Cries. It begins approximatly two weeks afterwards. This is outside normal continuity, but set vaguely after the defeat of Shredder in Exodus and the events of Prodigal Son. The Good Genes and Lost Episode arcs have not yet happened.

Double note: Many thanks to Domi for taking the time out of her busy schedule to look over the story for me. Kudos!

_

* * *

__"My grief lies all within,_

_And these external manners of lament _

_Are merely shadows to the unseen grief_

_That swells with silence in the tortured soul."_

_-- William Shakespeare_

Shadows to the Unseen.

_Leonardo_

Fall is coming to New York. The leaves on the trees in Central Park are already turning brown, and the air is turning colder. It's getting dark and I know it will get even colder when the sun goes down. I'll be back to the lair by then, I don't want Mike to start worrying. He's been doing a lot of that lately.

I know I probably should have stayed, Don hasn't been taking Sensei's death so well and Mike's so sad and worried about Don his game scores have reached an all time low. Personally I think he's worrying about Don so he doesn't have to think about his own pain. Raph's taking it like Raph takes everything, with a large helping of anger on the side; he hasn't thought about any of us..all he's thought about is himself.

Heh..look what I'm saying..I don't think I've acted much different tonight going off by myself. I _should _have stayed, but I had to get out had to think about some things.

So much has happened in the past few months. I feel so many emotions rushing around inside my head at different times; anger, sadness, frustration, confusion, despair, fear.… it's almost overwhelming. I feel like someone's yanked the rug out from underneath my feet without warning and now I'm flat on my shell and wondering what the hell hit me.

Except I know what hit me…my father is dead.

There's an empty place in my life, in my heart and in my mind where my father should be, and I don't know how to comprehend that emptiness. I can't quite fit my mind around it. It's like my life is one big puzzle, and there's one key piece missing to complete the picture. But I've lost that piece, and there's no way I'll ever find it again. It was the most important piece, a piece without which the picture will forever be incomplete, its beauty marred by sadness and grief.

How long has it been, two weeks? It feels like a lifetime. A lifetime of pain and doubt and disbelief. Even when I was standing in front of his grave I still couldn't believe my father was actually dead. It's like some sort of nightmare that I desperately with I could wake up from. It all seems so unreal.

My Sensei, my mentor..my father.

Now I understand why Raph spends so much time out here in the city. When I'm out here on the rooftops it's easy to loose yourself and to think about other things, it's easy to pretend that nothing happened. I can sit up here and look at the birds and the buildings, and imagine that Splinter will be there when I get home. I can imagine myself walking into the lair and seeing that Splinter is waiting there in his room, meditating or getting ready for our day's training. He might even be sitting on the couch watching his Soap. _My son_…he will say _it was only a nightmare, I am here. I will never leave you again. _But being down there, seeing Donnie the way he is and seeing Mike and Raph..looking at the door to Sensei's room then it's real again..

I feel the sting of tears and I wipe them away.

_This is not happening_, I've told myself over and over again since the night he died in front of us. _This is not happening._

But it is. It has happened, my father is gone…and yet…I still don't want to accept it. I can't accept it…because accepting it would mean that he _is_ really gone.

A gust of wind sends the tails of my mask flapping around my shoulders.. I'm starting to feel the chill in my blood, I know I should go back but for some reason I just want to stay up here a moment longer. I want to stare up at the darkening sky, and see the stars coming out as the sun goes down…I want to look at something other than sadness.

Once I go down there I can't pretend anymore that everything will be all right. It won't.

Our father is dead and no amount of pretending and wishing can bring him back, it won't magic the pain away. I don't know if the pain will ever go away.

He asked us never to forget the lessons he taught us, both in the ways of Ninjitsu and in the ways of life, to never forget how much he loved us.. but forgetting was never the problem; we could never ever forget everything he'd taught us, how much he loved us…how proud he was of us.

We just don't want to let go..we just can't let go.

On top of it all I've just been handed the biggest responsibility of my life..the responsibility over this family.

Right now I don't know if I can handle it.

I'm still teenager myself, I'm barely a few minutes older than my brothers..and yet I've been given the job of leading, training, teaching and guiding them? What about discipline? It was hard enough trying to keep Raph in line when I had Splinter there to help calm him down, to take over when Raph wouldn't listen to me. Even after everything I've learned from the Ancient One I don't have nearly enough experience to continue our Ninja training. How can I teach them when I still haven't learned all I need to know myself?

How can I guide them when I myself need guidance? I've never been the type to shy away from responsibility, I've never been afraid to do what needed to be done.

Now however, I am afraid. I'm afraid of the task that lies ahead of me..yet afraid of what will happen if I don't take up where Splinter left off.

Most of all I'm afraid for our family.

When Sensei died it hurt us worse than any enemy ever has or ever could. We're all in so much pain it feels like we're drowning, we can cry and show our grief on the outside..but those emotions are only shadows of what we're really feeling inside.

I remember a poem I read once by William Shakespeare, _My grief lies all within _he wrote _and these external manners of lament and these external manners of lament, are merely shadows to the unseen grief that swells with silence in the tortured soul._

I didn't really understand what he was talking about when I first read it..but now I do.

Oh I do, I really, really do.

I'm going to have to be the one now that keeps us together, I'm going to have to put my own pain aside, and even though I feel like I'm dying inside I'm going to have to take my feelings and put them in a box in the back of my mind. I'm going to have to be strong for myself and for my brothers, because it's my responsibility now. And I'm going to do it.

I'm going to do it because I have to, because they are my brothers, everything I have left in this world.. because I'll do anything for them. I'd give my life for them.

I just don't know if I'm ready for it.

Have I earned the honor of taking over where Sensei left off?

Will I guide our family with the same, dignity and benevolence that he did?

My Shell Cell is going off now, and without knowing how I know that something's wrong. With a chill running down my spine that has nothing to do with the cold night air I take out my Shell Cell and immediately Casey starts to talk. It's a jumble of words and it all comes out at once, so fast I can barely catch it.

"Leo somethin' bad's happened. You, Mike and Don have gotta meet me at April's. Raph's in trouble!"

"Calm down Casey," I tell him, trying to keep my own voice calm. "Tell me what happened."

"Raph wanted ta go out and blow off some steam, I told him ta go beat up his punchin' bag or somethin' cause I was sure he was gonna get inta trouble but he wouldn't listen. So I went with him in case somethin' bad happened. We were kickin' some Purple Dragon butt down on the docks when Hun showed up with a gun and shot Raph in the shoulder! He made me get outta there so I could warn you guys..Leo Hun took off with Raph! We gotta go get him before Hun does somethin even worse to him."

Suddenly my uncertainty about our future is forgotten, now all I think about is the danger of the present. Damn it Raphael!Of all the times to go out and get into trouble he couldn't have picked a worse one.

I take a minute to get my bearings in the sea of buildings below me and I turn my attention back to Casey.

"I'll be at April's in ten minutes Casey."

"You want me ta call Mikey and Donnie?"

"Thanks Casey, but this is something they need to hear from me." I'm already moving as I end the call and dial the number for Don's Shell Cell. I know there's a chance he might be in one of his bad spots now, but I have to talk to him. I've got the beginnings of a plan and I need him at my side with a clear mind.

Strange a few minutes ago I was wondering whether or not I'm ready to take over the responsibility of this family, and now I've got the chance to find out.

I just hope it isn't at the cost of Raphael's life.


	2. Raphael

_Raphael_

From up here on the rooftops I can see the humans walkin' down the street, the mothers and daddies with their kids, the brothers and sisters, friends and lovers. Some are laughin' some are quiet, some are angry like me, but there ain't one of 'em that'd understand the pain I'm goin' through right now. Even if they've lost family, a dad or a mom or a sister, they ain't lost like I have. They grew up with more than just their families, they had goin' ta school, shoppin' in malls, eatin' thanksgiving dinner, celebratin' Christmas. They could walk out on the streets, go to a bar or a gym, and eat in a restaurant. They could go on vacations together, got to a beach and swim, or go ta an amusement park and have fun. They had everything, and even if they lost somebody..at least they had more ta live their lives.

Me and my bros…we ain't never had nothin' in our lives …nothin' but our family.

We didn't have no Christmases, at least not till we got old enough ta make 'em ourselves, no Thanksgivin' dinners, no malls, no amusement parks. We had the sewers, and our little home and what little we could scrounge up, we had ourselves..and we had Master Splinter. He was everythin ta us; mother, father, mentor, sensei…everythin'. He picked us four baby turtles up when we were alone, took us in and raised us when he coulda just turned an walked away. I know we ain't always made it easy for him, but I know that there ain't one day that passed by when he regretted what he did fer us. He taught us everythin' we know about Ninjitsu, an' about life. He was so damn wise I sometimes wondered how so much wisdom could get inta one old rat. He was the best thing that ever happened ta us…and now he's gone.

I look at those humans around me and I wanna scream out loud. It ain't fair. How come they still got their dads, and we just lost ours? How come, when they already got so much, that they get ta keep the ones they love..and we don't? Why does the world always gotta kick us when we're down and then turn around and give them a helpin' hand?

When the hand hits my shoulder I realize I been stuck inside my own head and I let my guard down, but I know it's Casey before I even turn around, his aftershave stinks ta high heaven. He says April likes it but I don't think all the time she's spent in the sewers has killed her sense a smell that much. Another day I'da been embarrassed about those tears I got runnin' down my cheeks and I'da wiped um away my before Casey could see 'em. Today I'm too pissed ta care who sees 'em, I don't give a shit about mucha anything anymore. Let 'em see me cryin', they can see the tears but they ain't never gonna know how much I've lost. Ain't one of them ever gonna understand our pain…except for April and Casey. They know, and they care. They're the only family we got left now.

"Hey Raph." Casey says.

I can see the pain in his eyes and I know he's sympathizin' with us. He cared about Splinter too, and he's hurtin' just like we are.

"Case." I say. I don't trust myself ta say much else at the moment. This is the first time we've seen each other since the funeral, he and April have been givin' us time ta work all of it out. They told us they'd be there if we needed it. Today I need somebody ta be with me out on these streets. I got a lotta anger ta work off, and I want somebody ta watch my shell while I'm doin' it, somebody who _understands._

I ain't told Casey why I wanted him ta meet me, but from the look on his face I'm bettin' he already knows.

"Why don't we go down ta the lair and shred yer punchin bag or somethin'. Somethin' tells me this ain't such a good idea right now Raph. I think it's too early, ya still got a lot ta work through." Casey says. Normally he wouldn't be chickenin' out of a fight, but I'm bettin' he's just sayin' it ta keep me from doin' somethin' stupid. Screw that..I want ta do somethin' stupid. I wanna kick some Purple Dragon punk till he feels the pain I'm feelin', I wanna take all this anger I got in my head and I wanna _do _somethin' about it.

"I can't stay down there Case, I can't sit there an look at Sensei's room, and Sensei's stuff..and Donnie, he's like a puppy somebody kicked. I think what happened with Splinter blew one'a braniac's circuits or somethin'. He eats and talks and stuff, but he don't care about nothin' anymore. Ya can't talk ta him, he just looks at ya."

Case looks worried. "Sounds like Donnie's depressed Raph. Why aren't ya down there helpin' him insteada up here. Where's Leo and Mike?"

I shrug. "Leo took off this mornin', but Mikey's down there with Donnie. Don't know if even Mikey can bring Donnie outta his shell though. He's not lookin' so good. Think he blames himself fer Sensei."

"So ya just left him alone" Casey says frowning. It wasn't a question.

"Hey get off my shell Case; I didn't come here for a lecture. You gonna help me work off some steam or am I gonna do this by myself?" the last thing I want right now is

him bustin' my chops. I'm actually kinda glad braniac's down in the lair, there's nothin' that can hurt him now down there, cept maybe the memories. Mikey's down there ta watch him anyway and Mikey won't leave 'im, no way.

"You guys are a family Raph, you gotta stick together."

"Oh yeah, we're sticky, just like superglue, now are you comin' or not?" I ask, I can't keep the impatience out of my voice. I want Casey ta come, but I don't wanna wait any longer. He's in or he's out, either way I'm gone in two seconds.

Casey sighs and he shakes his head. "Okay Raph, I'm with ya. But I'm only goin' along ta make sure ya don't get yer shell kicked in."

"Huh, that'll be the day." I snort, I don't let it show but I'm glad he's comin'. I didn't feel like goin' it alone today.

Casey jerks his head in the other direction. "Heard there's somethin goin' down on the docks tonight, Purple Dragons have been busy since you guys have been outta commission."

I smile and rub my hands together. "Well let's put 'em outta business, permanently."

* * *

And now here we are, think in the middle o' Purple Dragons. I got the blood pumpin' in my veins, and everything that's happened in the last two weeks is keepin' me in overdrive. I let that old familiar anger take aholda me, and I give those damn Purple Dragons all I got.

Boy am I'm lovin' it.

It's so easy ta pretend that they were the cause o' Splinter's death. It was somethin that they done took our father away from us, and it makes me hate 'em even more. Here's somethin' I can actually do about what happened, somebody I can punish with my own two hands; who knows, maybe they did do somethin'. Maybe it was one fight too many, that made him get sick like that, too much stress, or something they did ta him..a virus or a drug. In my heart I know it wasn't…but I don't want ta hear my heart right now. All I wanna hear is crunchin' bones and screams of pain, all I wanna hear is the anger. I wanna punish something. With Case at my back, and my Sai in my hands like a part o' my own body I feel the rush. I feel invincible, like there ain't nothin' these guys can do ta escape, nothin' they can do ta touch me. Somebody's gonna pay and it's gonna be them.

In a few minutes the tide is turnin' our way, we're winnin'. I start ta turn ta Casey and say somethin'..and then I hear a loud boom and somethin' slams inta my shoulder. I feel like I just been hit by a sledgehammer and I look down ta see the hole just above my plastron, and the blood.

"Holy shit Raph!" Case grabs me as I fall backwards from the shock and I look up ta see Hun standing a few feet away with a gun in his hand, grinin' like the devil himself.

More of those Purple Dragon punks are gatherin' around Hun and he's walkin' forward gun still pointin'in my direction. "You've made a big mess of everything you stupid freak, and now I'm gonna enjoy making you squeal."

"Don't worry Raph, I got your back." I hear Casey say, he's tryin' ta hold me upright but my legs don't wanna work anymore, I keep fallin' back down.

I don't care if I get caught but Casey's there because a me, I can't let him lose his life tonight…I can't lose someone else I care about.

"No Case, get outta here, call my brothers. You can't get caught, he'll kill you too. You gotta warn my bro's."

Hun and the others are closing in, I can hear Hun's evil laugh. "Give up now Jones, or I'll put a bullet through his ugly face."

"Raph, you know I can't just…" Casey says shaking his head.

"Dammit Casey just get the hell outta here! Go!" I yell givin' him a push..and without his support I loose my balance and I hit the ground on my shell. It jolts my shoulder and I can't help but let out a yell.

Two seconds ago I'd felt invincible, now I feel like a freakin' wimp. I was outta my head, getting' too reckless, lettin' my guard down..and now I'm lyin' on the ground yellin' like a baby.

Casey turns to run but we're surrounded, all the same there aren't very many Purple Dragons conscious right now and Case makes a run for a fire escape.

"Stop right now Jones or I'll shoot your head off!" Hun yells and he's pointin' the gun at Casey's back. I've got two seconds ta get that gun away from Hun before he shoots my buddy in the back. I'm runnin' on empty and leakin' the rest but gather what little reserves I got and I go for Hun, hittin' him in the chest. The damn man's built like a friggin' mountain but I manage ta jolt him just enough ta knock the gun outta his hand. It goes off but the bullet ricochets off the ground and bounces off into the crowd a Purple Dragons makin' a bunch of them jump outta the way…leavin' Casey just enough room ta jump for the fire escape and get up onta it. Hun grabs my head and slams me on the ground, orderin' the others ta open fire on Case. Hittin' the ground jolts my shoulder and I can't help but yell again. I'm seein' stars before my eyes, but I got just enough vision ta see Casey jumpin' up the fire escape dodgin' bullets and disappearin' over the top of the building. Hun's bellowin' like a bull for some guys ta go after Case but I know they won't catch him. He'll go and get my bros, just like I told him to. There's police sirens in the background, and I hear Hun cursin' up a storm. My vision's getting' darker, I'm startin' ta pass out from the pain. I feel Hun grab my legs and he starts draggin' me away, I don't know where we're goin'…but I know it ain't gonna be no damned amusement park. I just hope Casey can get ta my bros before I check out permanently; they just lost Sensei, I know they won't be able ta handle loosin' me too.

Boy I really messed up good this time.


	3. Michelangelo

_Michelangelo_

I finally got that Super Sentry Annual that I've been looking for. The regular artist had to take some time off because of a broken arm, and this new guy's doing a pretty good job.

The art looks fantastic and they're going to be starting a new story arc next ish..what's more to love in a comic? Usually nothing, but lately I just can't seem to keep my attention on Silver Sentry's latest adventure, and this is a lot worse than my usual attention span, which I admit isn't that long to begin with. I've tried to read it several times but I usually just end up re-reading pages one and two over and over again, and I still don't know what happened on them. Playing video games don't work either, yesterday I tried to get my dark elf mage to the next town in the woods of Zarthoth, so I could level up and hook up with that really cute human chick from the rangers of Zarthoth..but I just kept getting killed over and over again by the same group of evil vampire bunnies. Now normally I'd just swoop in on those evil blood-sucking bunnies and destroy them with that really cool new spell the Tempest of Yagoul..but I just can't seem to do it. I guess it's because I keep letting my mind wander. Like yesterday, I had the half demon guy with the wicked healing powers in my group, I was just about to cast that spell and then I got to thinking about how Sensei would be whacking me on the head right now for playing too many video games instead of practicing. Next thing I know I hear Donnie say.. "Your all powerful dark-elf mage has just been eaten by a little rabbit with vampire fangs."and see Don is crossing the lair behind me with a cup of tea, and I look at the TV screen to find the guy that I spent seven hours painstakingly creating in the custom built character feature has got a rabbit with fangs attached to his neck and he's dead. I can't cast a resurrection spell or use a re-spawn gem because I have to active at them _before_ I die….and I forgot to save!

Oh the humanity!

Oh well, at least I can start off again in that last town Titbitu and even though I'll have to win that bet with the half demon guy again to get him on my party, I can go back through the mines again and level up a few more times before hitting Zarthoth and battling the bunnies. I've got five re-spawn gems, and four revival spells so if I die this time, I'll just come back again to kick furry fangy, rabbit tail.

You know…sometimes I wish that life was a little bit like a video game, not like with the vampire rabbits and killer trolls and stuff, but in a video game when you die you get another life, and you just pop right back up and chop the head off the guy who just killed you. I wish life had that kind of extra life feature, then Sensei would still be with us.

Then we wouldn't be sad and we wouldn't be alone and everything would be fine, we'd be one big happy family like we're supposed to be.

I'd like it to be like that..but I know it isn't..and things won't be okay for a long time.

I just can't stop thinking about all of it, about the how's, and the why's and the what if's.

Normally I'm not the most inward thinking of us four but lately I've been doing a lot of thinking, inward and outward.

Thinking about things like Sensei.. and why he left us.

Don't he know how much we needed him?

It all seems so unfair, why did he have to go?

Were we not good enough? Did we not practice hard enough, did we do something wrong? Something to disappoint him?

Didn't he love us anymore?

Why..after all we've been through together do he have to go and break our hearts like that? We're shells now, shells of what we used to be. We walk, we talk, we eat, drink and sleep; but we're only shells…. because he died and now we're all hollow.

Father…Sensei..

If I stopped playing video games all the time, put away my comic books and trained all day, if I was more like Leo…would he come back?

If I stopped playing pranks on Raph, and stopped acting like a goofball all the time would he come home? I'd do anything he wanted, anything he said, if he would just make the bad dream go away and come back to us.

We miss you so much Sensei..father…

We're drifting apart…nothing but shells and tears…

What are we supposed to do without our father? Without our Sensei?

How are we supposed to go on?

I hear a meow and Klunk jumps onto the couch next to me. He looks like he's worried about me, but maybe it's just my imagination.

Can Klunk sense that kind of pain?

Sensei's gone and he's not coming back. Can Klunk understand it? I don't know.

I'm still finding it so hard to believe that Sensei's gone; it's like some big nightmare. I keep hoping it's another one of those mental attacks by the Foot and if we all just work together and use our minds we'll wake up and find that Sensei's just fine.

I hope it's all a dream..but I know it's not.

My father is really gone and my family isn't going to be working together anytime soon. We can't even stay in the same room together right now. Leo took off, Don's depressed and Raph's looking for something to break or someone to beat the crap out of. I bet he's already left the lair to go look for Foot or Purple Dragon punks to beat up.

I hear a noise behind me and I turn to check on Don again. He's still there in front of his computers, working on my MP3 Player. He's been working on it for the past few days, and I don't think he's going to fix it anytime soon, as far as I can tell he hasn't even gotten the front cover off yet. I don't think his mind is on the MP3 player to be honest, I think it's somewhere else. That's why I'm still here. I could have left like Leo and Raph did, but I stayed down here with Don because I'm worried about him. I haven't seen him like this before. Sometimes he talks and acts like normal..and then sometimes it's like he's lost inside his own head. I think he blames himself for not seeing Sensei's illness earlier, I wish he could see that it wasn't anybody's fault. It just happened, and I wish I didn't but it did.

Geeze look at me, if Raph saw me sitting here on the couch blubbering he'd call me a baby. I wipe the tears away and Klunk nuzzles the side of my face purring loudly. I pick up my precious kitty, my little Klunk and I hold him close. Somehow it makes me feel a little better. I guess I just needed a hug.

God this year really sucks. This is even worse than our battle with the Shredder in space where we all got our shells kicked and we all almost blew ourselves up to try to kill him. Lucky for us the Utrom showed up when they did.

I wish they'd have shown up when Sensei was sick, I wish they'd have come and magically made everything okay like they did last time. Hey they're all so high and mighty, look at us we're all advanced, and brainy and stuff.. but if they're so advanced..why didn't they have a cure for Sensei?

I turn to look at Don again, I think he woke up for a second there because he finally got the cover off and he's got that funny look on his face that he has when he's trying to figure something out. Poor Donnie, he worked his shell off to save Sensei, he spent months in his lab, working with April and Leatherhead. He gave it everything he had, but he still couldn't do it. Where were all those advanced brainy guys then?

I guess that's why Don's so sad..I guess he feels like he wasn't good enough. It's not like the rest of us were any help either, all we could do was watch and that left Donnie with everything resting on his shoulders. I guess we all feel kinda guilty, both about Sensei and about Don…I guess it's why we can't really help him now.

I wish I could help him, I'd do anything to bring Sensei back, to make my Bro feel happy again..I'd really do anything not to have to see that look in his eyes again. I've tried to cheer him up, I've tried to make him laugh but it doesn't work all that well. He'll laugh a little but I think he's just laughing to humor me. He doesn't want to hurt my feelings. That's Donnie for you, even when he's depressed he's still looking out for our feelings instead of his.

Something blows up on the TV and I look up to see I've missed half of the movie I was watching. But it's no biggy, I've got this one on DVD, I was just watching it because there was nothing else on. I turn off the TV and I feel kinda stiff so I stretch. I feel like I need to do something..hey I know, I'll make Don something to eat.

I get up from the couch but when I turn Don isn't at his table anymore.

Where'd he go? The MP3 player is still there and so is his screwdriver, that really super small one that came in that special tool set April got him for Christmas. He always puts his tools away when he's done, and my player doesn't look like it's anywhere near fixed so why did he stop? It's not really that important that it's fixed but I was sure that would keep Don busy for a least a little while, at least that's what I had in mind when I broke it.

I look in our rooms, and in the kitchen and Don's lab and garage…and then I see that the door to Sensei's room is open. Oh man did Don go in there?

The my bros and I haven't been in there much, every time we do it brings back memories we'd kinda rather keep under wraps. I'm wondering if maybe Donnie and I should get out for a day, maybe go stay the night at April's or head out to the farmhouse. The longer we stay here the worse we're going to feel. I don't know how Raph and Leo will feel about it, but it can't be worse than I feel about their taking off and leaving Donnie and me here all alone.

I step up to the doorway and there he is, just standing in the middle of the room his head's bowed and his hands are on his face. Oh man..is Donnie crying? He hasn't shed a tear since Sensei died. Mostly because I think he doesn't wanna get us going.

"Donnie?" I don't speak much louder than a whisper, but I can't talk loud in Sensei's room, somehow it doesn't seem right.

Don turns to look around me. "Hey Mikey." He clears his throat. "I thought you were watching your movie."

"Well I was..kinda I mean I was watching it as in my eyes were looking at the screen and all..but I wasn't really watching it, watching it..I was kinda thinking about some other stuff. I have it on DVD anyway." I know I'm rambling but I always ramble when I get nervous and right now for some reason I'm feeling nervous. I've had that feeling all night and I've been trying to ignore it but it's like a mosquito that's gotten into your room in the middle of the night. One of those little bugs that keeps buzzing you going "weeeeeeeeeweee" all night keeping you awake and annoying the hell out of you because you don't wan to get out of your warm bed to kill it, but you have to anyway otherwise you'll never get any sleep…and yeah I'm rambling again. It's a feeling a lot worse than that, I've got this dread in the back of my mind like something's wrong, but I don't know what. So I try to ignore it but it's like that mosquito in the middle of the night and I can't. It's really bugging me.

Donnie smiles a little. "If you're worried about your MP3 player I'll have it done when I can, it's going to be a little more difficult than I thought. I don't know what you did but It looks like someone took a hammer to it or something.."

Uh oh. "Yeah, that's kinda what I did Donnie." I tell him a little sheepishly.

He looks surprised. "What? Why did you do that?"

"Well I wanted to give you something to fix so you'd stop being all sad and stuff and I didn't have any time to do any really simple kinda damage..so I just grabbed a hammer and smashed it."

Don sighs and he shakes his head, but he smiles a little more. "Mikey…"

"I'm sorry but I just wanted to give you something to take your mind off of everything.." and I did, I was sure it would work… I mean Don's always happy when he has stuff to make and fix; well not always sometimes he gets annoyed when he has to fix everything around here or when Raph and I break something for like, the tenth time.. but he likes to fix things most of the time.

"I appreciate the sentiment Mike, I really do..but…but just fixing something isn't going to make me feel better..not now." He tells me turning away again.

It's my turn to sigh. I don't know what to say, and that's a first for me. I'm not going to ask him if he's okay because he'll say he's fine like he always does. He'd say he was fine even if he'd just been dropped off a ten story building and broken every bone in his body.

Oh hey Donnie are you okay? No problem Mikey I'm fine. Lair's on fire, bomb's blown up, turned into a giant monster..oh no problem Donnie's fine. Geeze sometimes I wonder who's got the harder head, Don or Raph.

I decide it's time to stop with the joking and make with the serious business.

I walk up to him, I put my hand on his shoulder and I turn him around to face me. "Look Don, I'm not going to ask if you're okay, I already know what you're going to say. Time to hit fast forward, cause we're stuck on that same old song and I'm kinda tired of it. You're not okay, and we can all see it. It wasn't your fault Donnie."

Don looks down again and he gives a kinda sad sigh. "I know Mike, at least..Intellectually I realize it..but emotionally..I can't help but feel like a failure."

"But Don, you didn't.."I try to get my words out to make him see..but then wouldn't you know it his Shell Cell goes off..and suddenly that really bad feeling I've been having all night is jumping up and down in my head, yelling for attention at the top of its lungs and I can't ignore it now. Something's wrong.

Donnie knows it too, I can tell from the look on his face when he answers the cell. His expression goes surprised for a second, then he looks scared and then he looks pissed..Through it all he hasn't said one word and I'm already scared when he says "I'm on it Leo." hands me the Cell and just walks out of the room.

I watch him go and then slowly I put the cell to my..uh..the side of my head. I don't even have enough nerves left to think up some goofy way to answer the phone.

"Mike It's me." It's Leo and from the tone in his voice I know he's got something bad to tell me. "Mike it's about Raph, something bad's happened."

Aww geeze…did I already say how much this year sucked?


	4. Donatello

_Donatello_

I don't know when my brothers left but suddenly I look around and the lair is empty except for Mike sitting on the couch watching a movie on the TVs with Klunk.

I look down at a Mike's broken MP3 player in my hands and I realize I'm not even fixing it. In fact I seem to have been taking it further apart. I vaguely remember Leo and then Raph saying something to me but I don't remember the words or what they were trying to tell me. How long have I been lost inside of my own mind? How long have I been trying to keep the memories at bay?

I've had good days, days when I feel almost like my normal self, like everything is going to be all right..but then there are days like today when I just can't seem to drag myself out of the emotions. It's like I'm under some sort of spell, and everytime I try to think about something good, every time I try to climb out of the darkness and sadness..it all just swirls back over me again.

I look down at the machine in my hands and briefly consider trying to fix it but then, its pretty messed up, like someone just smashed it. Mike or Raph will only break it again in a few weeks anyway. Why go through the trouble? They shouldn't be looking to me to fix things now, not since I failed to fix the one thing that mattered most..the one person.

To this day I don't know I didn't see it, why I couldn't recognize the signs.

If I'd have seen it in time, I know there was something I could have done. I've always been able to come up with something to save the day, but this time I couldn't even save my own father. I tried everything I could think of, but it wasn't enough.

_I_ wasn't enough.

There are a few inventions and broken appliances next to my computers, I'll fix them eventually I guess. Concentrating on screws, parts and wiring helps to keep me from remembering. I tried distracting myself by looking up information on Sensei's illness, looking for some sort of warning signs that I could have spotted, but then what's the use in knowing the signs after the fact? What will knowing something that was right in front of my face the whole time help to change anything?

I pick up an invention and put it back down again, I don't see any point in continuing it any further.

Why should we go about our normal lives when Sensei is dead? What was so important about cleaning, cooking, fighting crime and fixing broken appliances when we don't have a father anymore? Though my mind knows it's absurd my heart can't help but wonder why hasn't the world come to a grinding halt out of sympathy for our loss. Why haven't the stars fallen from the skies, and why do the days continue to march forward, taking us father and farther away from the days when he was still with us?

Look at me, I'm even depressing myself here.

I can't help it. I just can't help but feel the weight of it all pressing down on me crushing the air out my lungs, crushing my brain, crushing my spirit. It hurts so much that I don't know if I'll ever feel joy again. My father is gone, and I can't feel anything but the pain of his passing. Even the good memories are dim in my mind, and should I try to retrieve them I don't know if I could even find them. As much as I try to forget all I can remember is the day he died, it keeps trying to play like a broken record inside my head over and over again, each time I force it back and it re-starts I'm afraid I lose a little more of myself. My whole life is centered around fixing things, it's who I am it's what I do. I make things, I fix things and I keep my family safe. Everything I do, I do it for my family. I love them more than anything in this world, and I loved my father. What am I when all of my skills, all of my intelligence mean nothing, if I can't save my own father's life when he really needs me?

I don't know what I am but I know what I feel like, I feel like a failure, a failure to myself and to my family.

By the time I realize that I've zoned out again I've managed to wander into the last place I want to be right now….Sensei's room.

None of us have had the courage to come in here and touch anything; even cleaning out his room would make us feel like we'd desecrated his memory. So we've just left it alone. It looks like it did when he was still alive, and I can feel his presence just as surely as if he were really here. This is too much.

I can't be in here, I can't stand here and look at his possessions and see the place where he drew his final breath…and yet I'm paralyzed. My feet are frozen in place as if they have taken root. I catch the lingering smell of his favorite incense and the memories come pouring back. Countless days pour through my mind of their own accord: training sessions, father-son talks, birthdays, and father's days. I remember my first invention, a little mechanical robot. I was so proud of it I had to show it to Sensei first. His eyes were shining with pride as I tried to explain to him how it worked; even though he didn't completely understand every detail he was still proud of me. I remember his words of praise like they were only spoken yesterday.

I remember the time I got lost in the sewers. I was too young to know what I was doing. I had seen something interesting floating in the water outside the lair and left my brothers behind to follow it. By the time I realized I had strayed too far from home I couldn't remember which way home was. I tried to find my way back by myself, but I only managed to get myself more turned around. It didn't take Splinter very long to find me, but it seemed like forever. He ran to me, scolding me loudly at first making me cry. I was afraid he was mad at me, that he would punish me..but then he picked me up and he held me so tight he almost squeezed the breath out of me. I realized then that he hadn't been angry…but afraid. Afraid of what might happen if he had lost me.

Now I've lost him.

I can still remember the hug he gave me, squeezing me so tight, so afraid and yet so gentle, so loving. My chest and my eyes burning are burning with the pain but I force back the tears. I haven't cried since the night Sensei died..and I won't. I won't remember..I can't remember.. I force it all back inside trying to think of mathematical formulas, equations, phylum's and sub-phylum's, planet revolutions, and plans for future inventions. With all these emotions I'm finding it hard to breathe now through, and I force myself to draw a full breath of air. I'm normally the calmest out of my brothers, so intelligent, so rational, but right now I want to be anything but. I want to scream and yell and break things, I want to make someone else feel the pain I'm feeling. I don't want the pain, I don't want the heartache. I don't want this empty room, and this empty space in my heart. I want my father back. I want to open my mouth and I scream out the anger that's been building inside of me since Master Splinter died.

I miss you so much Sensei. I miss your kindness, I miss your wisdom, I miss your sense of humor, and I miss your love. You taught us so much, and yet you didn't teach us how to go on without you. Where does this family go from here? How do we continue on?

"Donnie?"

Mike's voice jolts me out of my thoughts and I turn to see him standing in the doorway looking at me worriedly. "Hey Mikey," I thought he was involved in his movie, but it seems that he was keeping an eye on me instead. He's been doing that a lot lately. "I thought you were watching your movie."

Mikey smiles. "Well I was..kinda I mean I was watching it as in my eyes were looking at the screen and all..but I wasn't really watching it, watching it..I was kinda thinking about some other stuff. I have it on DVD anyway." He seems nervous, he usually rambles when he's nervous. I wonder if he's feeling that same feeling that I've been feeling all night..the feeling that something's wrong.

I smile a little for his benefit even if I don't feel much like smiling." If you're worried about your MP3 player I'll have it done when I can, it's going to be a little more difficult than I thought. I don't know what you did but It looks like someone took a hammer to it or something.."

Mike looks a little sheepish and he looks down at his feet for a second.

"Yeah, that's kinda what I did Donnie."

That surprises me."What? Why did you do that?"

He still looks nervous and he tries to smile again."Well I wanted to give you something to fix so you'd stop being all sad and stuff and I didn't have any time to do any really simple kinda damage..so I just grabbed a hammer and smashed it."

I can't help but smile more, oh Mike, what a little brother you are. "Mikey…"

Mike looks apologetic. "I'm sorry but I just wanted to give you something to take your mind off of everything." His heart is in the right place I know, but I don't think he really understands that fixing an MP3 player won't help.

"I appreciate the sentiment Mike, I really do..but…but just fixing something isn't going to make me feel better..not now."

I hear Mike sigh behind me, and then he walks up to me and puts his hand on my shoulder. I don't resist when he pulls me around to face him, I'm not angry at him, I just need some time to work it out on my own. I'm not going to walk away and ignore him either, it would hurt his feelings. Mikey may act like a goofball sometimes but he's not stupid. Sometimes he can be surprisingly insightful, he's good at gauging other people's emotions and figuring out what's bothering them. Now all trace of humor is gone and he looks very serious.

"Look Don, I'm not going to ask if you're okay, I already know what you're going to say.Time to hit fast forward, cause we're stuck on that same old song and I'm kinda tired of it. You're not okay, and we can all see it. It wasn't your fault Donnie." He says getting right to the point.

Mike seems to be in one of his more observant moods, because he's come right to the heart of the matter. I guess he knows what's bothering me. "I know Mike, at least..intellectually I realize it..but emotionally..I can't help but feel like a failure." I do know it intellectually but emotionally I don't want to belive it..I could live with failure..but I can't live with the fact that there was nothing I could do.

Mikey looks distressed and starts to speak.."But Don, you didn't.." And then my Shell Cell goes off. That bad feeling I've had all night gets worse, and when I answer the Shell Cell I can't shake the chill down my spine.

"Don, It's me." Leo says his voice calm and steady. "Don't talk Don I just want you to listen. Something bad's happened, Raph went out to fight Purple Dragons and got himself shot. He's not dead but he has been captured by Hun. Casey's coming with us to help and I've got the beginnings of a plan but I need your help. Get your things together and come prepared. We're going to meet at April's apartment and then head for Hun's headquarters. We're going to need to get past their security, and we're going to need to immobilize a large building full of Hun's henchmen without hurting them, to get Raph out of there. There's a chance we're going to be coming up against Hun as well. I know how you're feeling Don but I need you to take those feelings and just shut them away, I need you and Mike at my side with clear heads. This is going to be dangerous and we don't need one of us getting killed because somebody got sloppy. Can you do that for me Don?"

The calmness in Leo's voice has helped me calm my own mind. I push everything aside, and in place of the other emotions I feel an unnatural anger well up inside of me. Anger at what's happened in our lives, anger at Sensei for dying, anger at Raph for being so stupid, anger at Hun for hurting my brother..anger at myself for being angry like this. The anger galvanizes me, it gives me strength.

"Don answer me."

"I'm on it Leo."

"I knew you wouldn't let me down."

I hand the Shell Cell to Mike and head directly for my lab; I know just the things I'm going to need. Things Raph might need.

I won't let him down this time; I won't let any of them down. We're going to find Raph and we're going to bring him home alive. I'm going to protect my family, and from here on out I'm going to make sure that I don't fail any of them ever again. I swear.

* * *

Leo and Casey are there to meet us at April's apartment when we pull up in the Battle Shell. 

"Hey, Don." He says to me smiling warmly and clasping my arm. He doesn't ask me if I'm okay, he knows what I'll say if he asks.

"Leo." I say with a half smile.

"Mikey you okay?" He asks our brother.

"Just point me in Hun's direction and watch the fists of fury in action bro." Mike says with a smile that's almost dangerous.

Leo pats Mike's shoulder.

"Okay, guys this is it." Leonardo stands in front of us, his arms crossed across his plastron as he speaks to us, and as he talks he looks each one of us in the eye connecting, reassuring, giving strength and "We've been through a lot in the past month, we've lost someone very dear to us and we're all going through a hard time but we have to put it all aside tonight. Our brother's life is in danger so we don't have the luxury of grief. Tonight we have to be united, tonight we have to be strong, all we have left now is our family and we have to protect it with everything we have. Casey and April will be here to support us all they can but we're the ones who are going to fight. We can do this because no matter how much they try to tear us apart we're still here, we're still together; together we're stronger than all of our enemies combined, together we are unstoppable… because we're family."

"Hey, that's, uh..a great speech and all Leo..but do you got a plan to go with that or are we goin' in there on togetherness alone?" Casey asks putting a hand on Leo's shoulder.

Leo smiles. "I have a plan Casey, but I'll explain it in the Battle Shell on the way there. What I need from you is a location, do you know where they have Raphael?"

Casey nods. "Oh you betcha, I been staking out Hun's new HQ for weeks."

A movement in the window upstairs catches my eye and I see April standing in the window just above us.

"Don.." She says, I can see her leaning out the window. She looks like she just got out of the shower. Her hair is loose, and it falls perfectly against her neck. She looks beautiful in the moonlight, she always looks beautiful. I'm not here to admire the view though, as amazing as it might be.

"April." It's all I trust myself to say. We're going to Raph's rescue but there's a real chance something might go wrong, and one or more of us might loose our lives.

April knows this, just as much as we do.

"There's been too much death Donnie, too much heartache, too much pain. Just get out of there in one piece and bring everybody back alive. I want you all to promise me that you won't do anything reckless and stupid. That means you too Casey."

"The guy's have my back babe..we'll be fine. I promise I won't do anything stupid." Casey says blowing her a farewell kiss.

"Don't worry April, we know what we're doing." Leo says giving her a reassuring smile.

"Promise me." She says again, staring right at me. Why is she looking to me?

Wasn't I the one that was just lost in my own head, sinking into depression like a lead weight in a deep river? Why isn't she looking to Leo? I've done some pretty reckless things before, if only to save someone I care about…and I've done some stupid things too in the same service…what makes tonight any different?

I look at her and I can tell she trusts me to keep that cool head I'm so famous for, trusting me to use my intellect when things get bad. I'm good ol' Donnie, who's pretty good at saving the day. This is a bad time for them to put all of their confidence on me, after Sensei I don't feel like I deserve it.

Still I look her in the eyes to show my sincerity that I'm not going to do anything reckless and stupid, at least not if I can help it. "I promise April."

She nods satisfied with my promise even if I'm not.

"Time's running short." Leo says. He doesn't really need to remind us, we're already heading for the Battle Shell.

"I hope this is a good plan you guys got..Hun's got high tech security out the wazooo." Casey says climbing behind the wheel because he knows where Hun's building is.

Climbing into the back I narrow my eyes, thinking of that arrogant bully Hun.

"There isn't a security system on this planet or any other that will stop me tonight Casey." I say, meaning every single word.

As we zoom down the streets at speeds guaranteed to attract every cop within a four-mile radius, I turn my gaze out the window watching the buildings whiz by not really seeing them. I'm preparing myself for what's to come, reviewing my many possible plans over and over again, and looking for some potential mistake, making sure nothing can go wrong.

If it does I might just end up breaking that promise I just made to April.


	5. The rescue

The Rescue

There is a low bellow, and the sounds of fist connecting with flesh.

Determined not to give Hun any pleasure whatsoever, Raph manages to bite off his screams just as soon as they leave his mouth. He clenches his teeth and growls instead, panting as his heart races inside his plastron. He's tied to a chair, still bleeding from the gunshot wound in his shoulder and on the verge of passing out from loss of blood. His face is swollen from the beatings, but despite it all Raph still refuses to give in. He can barely see out of one eye, his nose is bleeding and his head is ringing from the blows he's received. He's got deep cuts and stab wounds on his arms and legs where Hun and Co have been playing knife toss with him. There's even a table in the back of the room covered with knives, pliers, lighters, and other nasty looking implements. They've used most of it already trying to get him to scream but still he clings to sheer stubbornness, not even willing to show even the slightest hint of pain. Even when Hun steps back from Raph and motions to his two associates, Raph doesn't allow himself to show fear, even though he knows what's coming. Fists smash into his face and his plastron once again, knocking the breath out of him, and almost cracking his jaw. Instead he lets out a bellow and gives his body a wild shake, flailing in place; struggling with everything he has, trying to get loose to strangle his captors with his bare hands. He's tried it before, and it doesn't work this time either.

"I wonder." Hun says in his deep voice, motioning for the men to move away once more and staring at the knife in his hands. "How long it will take me to saw through one of those freakish fingers of yours. The knife's pretty dull; it could take a lot of time." He stops and looks over at Raph, "Ought'a be fun to find out."

"It'll be fun ta watch me take that thing and shove it up your…"

"Now, now, is that any way to talk to the person who holds your life in the palm of his hands?" he says grasping one of his huge hands into a fist he holds the fist in front of Raph's face…and then punches him in the plastron as hard as he can.

Raph's eyes go wide for a second as all the air is forcibly expelled from his lungs, and he finds himself gagging, gasping for air.

"You slimy, son of a…"

Hun casually gives a motion with a hand. Without a word his two associates walk up to the red masked turtle, and began to beat him mercilessly. Eventually one of them lands a punch on Raph's jaw and he goes down chair and all. Hun walks over to the chair and peers down at the turtle; there is no more movement. He lies, either unconscious or dead on the floor, a trickle of blood seeping out of the corner of his mouth.

Hun laughs and gives the helpless turtle a brutal kick with his foot, motioning for his two men to come and collect Raph's body and get it out of there.

He's so intent on his victim that neither he, nor his associates notice the three forms slipping up behind him in the shadows of the room. They move as if they were one, silently, gracefully, deadly; predators stalking unwary prey. Nothing can be seen of them except their eyes, narrowed slits of pure white fury blazing forth in the darkness. They are as the Furies of ancient Mythology, vengeance incarnate, rage given forms and set free upon the world. There is nothing to warn Hun that they are coming; there is no witty banter, no jokes, no battle cries, not even a whispered word of defiance. The time for words has come to an end.

Only when his two henchmen are yanked into the darkness from behind does Hun realize something's wrong. By the time he's turned one of the men is crashing out of the window, his screaming coming to an abrupt end onto the pavement below. It sounded to Hun that if they'd been aiming for the Olympic size swimming pool below the window and balcony at the back of the room they'd missed completely. They're only on the second floor, the fall probably hasn't killed him, but he will probably wish he were dead. The second man flies out of the darkness _towards_ Hun, crashing into his legs and sending him stumbling backwards causing him to stumble over Raphael's prone form and fall onto his back. He looks down at his feet to find his second henchman thoroughly unconscious…and further up Leonardo, Michelangelo and Donatello step out of the darkness. He can see the rage in their eyes and he feels a momentary sliver of fear creeping down his spine.

Leonardo looks to his brothers and gives on single nod. They spread out, surrounding him on all sides. Hun struggles to his feet kicking Raphael and his chair out of the way. They are acting strange, and it is unnerving him more than a little. Donatello kneels beside the prone form of his red masked brother and he feels for a pulse. Finally he looks to his brothers..and he speaks. It is no more than one word but it stokes the fires of their rage.. turning them into an inferno.

"Fading."

Distracted by Donatello's actions Hun isn't ready for the attack when it comes. Sudden movement from all sides is all the warning he has before all three slam into him.

He strikes out with his fists and Michelangelo takes a fist in the face..but even as he falls Donatello is taking his place ducking Hun's second attempt to strike and slamming his wooden Bo into Hun's knee. The pain is intense and Hun lets out a yell, grasping his knee with both hands. Leo's Katana rip the air in front of him and he throws himself backwards just in time…and suddenly Hun finds himself dodging Katana blades. A flash of metal too close to his brow tells Hun that Leonardo isn't holding back, if he doesn't keep getting out of the way he will get a blade somewhere..sometime. Then Michelangelo is back on his feet and now Hun is trying to keep from getting his brain bashed in by him as well. He lashes out with a fist and grabs the turtle closest to hand…from the sound of the grunt he can tell he's gotten a hold of Donatello. Grabbing a hold of the purple masked turtle's neck Hun slams Donatello as hard as he can into the nearest wall. The other two turtles attack from behind with renewed fury; Hun dodges a Katana slice but not a whack from Michelangelo's Nunchuku. Hun's head rings with the blow and he lashes out with his free hand, swatting at them as if he were batting at flies. He then uses his captive turtle as a weapon, whirling the turtle in an arc, connecting with one of them..forcing them to retreat momentarily.

"You freaks back off or I'm going to break his neck." Hun growls at the other two turtles as he holds Donatello up into the air and squeezes tightly with his enormous hand.

Their faces grim Leonardo and Michelangelo back up slowly, weapons still ready.

Don struggles in Hun's grasp, trying to pry Hun's hands away, choking silently as his air is slowly cut off. It's no use; he doesn't have half the strength Hun does. His eyes blazing with anger, Donatello launches a kick at his captor…and the kick misses. Hun replies by backhanding his captive turtle, hard. Don lets out a grunt as his head is jerked sideways, but he doesn't cry out, he doesn't have the breath for it. Hun slams the turtle into the floor, once and then again..

"You think you can get me before I crack his shell open like a nut, and turn his head around backwards?" He says grinning nastily at the place where the other two were standing...but the other two turtles are nowhere to be seen. Donatello does not move an inch, but Hun can feel the turtle's lungs straining to breathe under his iron grip, and Hun's hand feels the turtle swallow several times. Just to hear the turtle grunt in pain he squeezes even harder.

A sound that could almost be a grunt escapes the purple masked turtle's lips, but like Raphael he resists making any noise of pain. He knows it's what Hun wants. The turtle's breath is starting to become hoarse and raspy. Hun thinks about squeezing harder just to hear him squeal but escaping the other two turtles is more pressing at the moment. He'll take Donatello with him and then strangle him slowly with his bare hands; he'll enjoy watching his enemy struggle, and enjoy seeing the turtle's face turn as purple as his mask. "I think I'll do it anyway, I owe him for that crack on the knee he just gave me." Just for spite Hun digs his fingers further into the turtle's neck, grasping for his windpipe. Another wheezing sound escapes but nothing more. Satisfied that the turtles can't stop him Hun turns towards the door only to find Casey Jones standing in his way. The human's face is covered by his customary hockey mask but his eyes can be seen burning with the same rage as his mutant friends. Casey doesn't speak as he wields his hockey stick to connect with the side of Hun's head. Hun bellows in pain and drops his captive turtle; as soon as Donatello's body hits the ground two forms duck out of the darkness and pull him away from Hun's grasp. Hun staggers backwards clutching his head, and Casey strikes again, slamming the stick into Hun's midsection and then into Hun's already injured knee. Hun flails out at the human..but Jones has disappeared into the darkness of the hallway beyond the door. Hun can still barely see the hockey-masked vigilante beyond the door, like a trapdoor spider waiting for its prey. The message is clear, try to leave the room this way and Casey will be there to stop him.

Angry now Hun whirls back towards the turtles and finds Leonardo and Michelangelo flying out of the darkness towards him. He manages to bat Mike aside again, but Leo connects kicking again, and again, and again knocking him backwards towards the door…where Casey appears yet again. Under attack from all sides Hun begins to get desperate, everywhere he turns there are green fists, and hard wood, flashes of Katana and the thunks of Nunchuku.

He suddenly realizes that they're trying to wear him down. A punch here, a strike there, and him flailing around in all directions wasting all of his energy in hitting air.

Hun is determined not to be herded like some sort of dimwitted beast of burden. A katana strikes out again and this time he grabs a hold of it with his hand. It bites into his skin, cutting deep into his palm but he ignores the pain and doesn't let go. Ripping the Katana from its owner's grasp he turns it around trying to stab Leonardo with it. The blue masked turtle blocks the downward slice with his other Katana, and the two struggle sword to sword for a moment…then Hun kicks the blue masked turtle as hard as he can in the plastron. Leonardo falls back with a grunt, and immediately Michelangelo is there in his place.

A kick to Hun's already injured hand makes the Katana go flying into the air, where the orange masked turtle catches it, and then he grins.

There is no mirth in the smile.

Nimbly he tosses the Katana backwards into the air where its owner catches it quickly and deftly as he steps out of the shadows once more. They stand in front of Hun, side by side and the human suddenly wonders where Donatello is. Does he lie unconscious somewhere in the darkness or is he sneaking up on Hun from behind at this very moment? Hun doesn't dare turn to look though, not with the other two right in front of him and gunning for his blood. He happens to glance down..and he gets an idea.

He reaches down and grabs the prone form of Raphael chair and all and he holds the turtle high up into the air above his head, grinning down at the two brothers.

They don't look frightened or even concerned, they mere exchange glances loaded with unspoken meaning, and Leonardo nods to Michelangelo. They tense and Leo focuses his attention on the darkness just behind Hun.

When the sound of faint raspy breathing reaches his ears Hun starts to realize that he should have looked behind him before and he turns suddenly..… at that moment Donatello's Bo slams into his stomach with full force. As he bends over in pain the Bo returns once more and hits him square in the face. There is an audible crack and Hun feels intense pain spread through his face, and tears spring to his eyes. His nose has just been broken, and some of his front teeth are starting to feel a little loose. Bellowing in pain he tosses Raphael towards the blue and orange masked turtles, hoping that the force of the impact will knock them out..then he'll deal with Donatello…personally.

Through his hands clasped around his nose, and tear blurred vision he sees the two turtles catch Raphael, allowing themselves to roll backwards with the force of the impact letting their own bodies break their brother's fall.

One hand still clutching his nose and bellowing in anger Hun lashes our around him trying to hit Donatello…but the turtle is not within reach this time.

From the shadows come the sounds of metal on wood and he sees movement in the broken sliding glass window at the back of the room. A flash of orange catches his eye and Michelangelo disappears into the night carrying his brother Raphael.

Leonardo and Donatello step out of the darkness once again, standing in place as if to challenge him. Hun can just make out the beginnings of hand shaped bruises on Donatello's neck, and the turtle's breathing still looks labored. Leonardo is panting as well, but the look on his face is triumphant. Hun then realizes he's done exactly what they wanted him to do. They came there for Raphael, and now they had him back.

Hun hoped out of spite that the turtle was already dead, it would be so perfect. He would like to see their faces when they found out they had been through so much to save their brother only to realize that they had been too late before they had even arrived.

How dare they come here into his building and try to take him down. How dare they look so smug? Hun wants nothing more now than to beat the living shit out of them with his bare hands and make them pay. He dips his shoulder low, clenching his fists together, and he charges them…not even stopping to think that this too was exactly what they want. They don't doge out of the way but met him head on, coming forward, deftly avoiding his swinging arms and grasping hands. Donatello swings again, like a batter in a baseball game trying to knock the ball out of the park…and with just as much force. Hun ducks the swing of the Bo, but not Leo's slicing Katana. He feels fire flash across his chest and looks down to see that a Katana has struck home, there is a horizontal gash in his chest, and blood is already seeping out. Hun barrels forward again, catching both turtles in the plastron and tossing them aside. He goes for the table and picks it up by the legs, scattering everything on it across the floor, he briefly considers going for one of the knives but realizes they wouldn't do much good against a turtle with two much larger knives and one other one with a six foot long piece of wood that could knock him out from a distance considerably farther away than the possible reach of any small knife he could wield. Instead he holds the table like an industrial sized fly swatter batting at the two turtles and connects with Donatello full on, knocking the purple masked turtle clear across the room where he crashes through the remains of the balcony window and lands with a heavy thump against the end of the balcony.

"Donnie!" Leonardo calls after his brother in alarm.

Hun hears an audible crack, and despite the pain in his nose and the blood running down his face, he grins. The crack was probably something in Donatello's body breaking..it's sweet music to Hun's ears. He turns back to the one remaining turtle and his grin grows even wider.

"And then there was one." He says nastily.


	6. Crisis

_Author's Note:_

_In this chapter I make use of a medical technique which might or might not be possible.( but is plausible) however considering our subjects; who happen to be walking, talking turtles who regularly do the impossible on a daily basis; I ask that readers suspend disbelief just a little bit. I've done my research but there isn't any research out there that I know of that can help with medical techniques used on teenage mutant turtles. Do me a favor and just go with it huh:o)_

* * *

_Michelangelo_

"Please don't die..please don't die…"

"Mikey we gotta do somethin'!"

Get Raph out of the building; get him back to Casey and get back to help Donnie and Leo. It sounded so simple when Don came up with the plan, but then I should have known that when things sounds simple they never end up turning out that way.

I got Raph to the Battle Shell all right..but then while we were bandaging his shoulder we noticed he wasn't breathing anymore.

Now Casey's panicking and I'm panicking and I don't know what the shell I'm supposed to do. Isn't this Donnie's department? He's been learning all that medical stuff since Sensei died. Why did he leave getting Raph out of there up to me?

I jump into the Battle Shell and start opening compartments while Casey tries CPR with a breathing mask. How long has passed? How long does Raph have before his brain starts to die from lack of oxygen? I don't have any idea how to help someone who's just been beaten within an inch of his life, and he's lost a lot of blood and he's still bleeding. How do I deal with that? How the heck do I know if Raph's current state is coming from the shock of loss of blood or the beatings he got from Hun? Maybe it was everything together that caused Raph to crash, the pain of Sensei's death, the gunshot wound, loss of blood and the beatings. So what to do about it? Dammit why can't I remember? "There's got to be something in here somewhere, Casey. Donnie's almost obsessive compulsive when it comes to being prepared for emergencies!"

"Weren't you even paying attention when Donnie explained all of that stuff Mike!" Casey says looking frustrated..

"Well I was..kinda..but then there was this really neat show on TV with car chases and robots and stuff and I kinda got distracted!" I tell him, wishing I'd paid more attention to Don instead of the robots and car chases.

"A lot of good that did Mikey geesh! Of all the times to goof off! If we don't get Raph breathing again he's gonna die Mikey!"

Doesn't he think I know that! Hello I'm not stupid! Just easily distracted.

"I know, I know.."I tell him. "Just.."

Then something flashes out of the corner of my eye and suddenly I see Sensei standing there behind me. He scares me so bad I almost jump out of my shell, and when I turn to look at him he disappears. Then a compartment right across from me just pops open and something falls out. When I pick it up I remember what it is. It's a new version of Don's tech tab he's been experimenting with. He hooked up it up to some defibrillator pads he managed to get a hold of, he said it was supposed to help us if ever one of us got hurt and our heart stopped beating. I've seen these used on those medical TV shows to jump start human's hearts when they've stopped. If Raph's heart has stopped working the way it should, then won't a shock direct to his system help get it going again? Will Don's tweaking even guarantee that the shock reaches Raph's heart? We haven't tested this thing yet. But heck it works in the movies doesn't it? More importantly do I have anything to loose by trying?

"Mikey!!"

"Just hang on a second Casey I got an idea!"

"Yeah this is gonna be rich."

"Hey gimme a break Casey I'm not Donnie."

It takes me a few seconds to get the tech tab and the defib pads connected to Raph the way Don had shown me, for some reason I remember it all clearly now as if someone else is remembering it for me. And was that really Sensei I just saw? No Mike, no time to think about that now..Raph's all that matters. I don't know if this kinda equipment will work through Raph's plastron but I'm really out of options here and time is wasting fast!

On the tech tab I can see a sort of outline of Raph's body and in the spot where his heart should be there's a heart shaped red outline that's flashing, the text on the screen is going by too fast for me to read. Then the tech tab starts beeping a high pitched beep like some sort of alert and the little box like machine attached to the defib pads begins to whir. The whirr gets louder turns into a low whine and then the words on the tech tab tell me to stand away from Raph..Casey and I just get enough time to get back before the tech tab activates the machine.

I expect Raph's body to jump or something like they do in the movies..but he doesn't move. At first I'm afraid the machine didn't go off and I'll have to try it again.

"Did..did it work Mike?" Casey asks me, his eyes are as wide as dinner plates. It would be funny if this weren't really serious business.

The heart shape on the tech tab stops flashing red and turns green. Does this mean everything's okay now?

I don't take the time to answer Casey's question. I've only got one thing on my mind. Finding something, a pulse, a breath..anything to let me know Raph's alive. I don't think of anything but how way too cool Raph's skin is to the touch, and whether or not I'll be going through the rest of my life without Raph. It's too horrible to think about. Who am I gonna play pranks on now? Who's gonna watch our shells and keep Leo on his toes?

"Please don't die, please don't die…"


	7. The Battle Continues

Hun starts towards Leonardo holding the table up in the air, preparing to use it as a shield and a battering ram at the same time. He bats at Leonardo with the table, trying to knock him across the room like his brother, but each time the blue masked turtle ducks out of the way. He expects Leonardo to try and attack the table head on and maybe slice at it with his Katana. Instead the turtle dashes forward and ducks _under_ the table. Like a dancer he whirls under Hun's guard slices at the wooden legs and whirls away again moving with incredible speed. The table falls to the ground and Hun kicks it at the blue masked turtle trying to hit him, the turtle nimbly leaps over it. Running out of patience and options Hun dives for one of the large knives on the floor which he'd used play pin the tail on Raphael with. It still has the turtle's blood on the blade, but it has dried by now. Hun turns to where Leonardo has been standing but finds only emptiness, quickly he turns in place and finds still nothing, he turns yet again and then suddenly Leonardo is there his Katana slicing Hun across the face and the arm before he whirls away into the darkness again.

"Come out and fight me man to freak!" Hun growls into the darkness a hand going to the burning slash across his face, by the amount of the blood he sees there and the pain he is feeling he knows he's going to need stitches. He sees movement to his side and he lunges immediately slashing wildly with the knife. His knife connects only with air, Leonardo's already out of his reach. Once more Hun sees movement and once more he hurls himself towards it, hoping to be able to sink his knife into some part of the turtle that is stalking him. Then a green leg shoots catches his legs, sending him in an ungraceful dive face first into the floor. The knife goes scattering across the floor, out of Hun's reach. Embarrassed and pissed beyond belief Hun drags himself to his feet and stands panting in place, studying the blackness around him for some hint of movement. Unfortunately being a part of the shadows was always a Ninja thing, and though Hun had served among a large group of Ninjas, he really hadn't gotten the total invisibility thing down. The turtles however had been raised to disappear into total darkness, it was their element..especially Leonardo's. He can't see anything and there is no warning when Leonardo strikes again, tapping Hun on the shoulder and decking him in the already broken nose when he turns.

Hun bellows clutching his nose and screams obscenities at the blue masked turtle. Through a pain filled haze he sees Leonardo step out of the darkness in front of him again and he looses all vestiges of self-control. "I'm going to kill you, fucking freak! I'm going to go get your brother over there and I'm going to break his neck, then I'm gonna cut off both of your heads and stick them on my wall as a trophy. Nobody messes with me! Nobody!" He starts towards the turtle, hands flexing threateningly. He doesn't care what weapons Leonardo has..he's going to rip the turtle's head off and make a coffee table out of the empty shell.

Leonardo's only reply is another flash of metal, and the same knife Hun had just been holding comes flying through the air to bury itself in Hun's shoulder.

Hun screams and pulls at the knife..but it's a long hunter's knife with jagged saw like edges and it isn't coming out. Hun howls, trying to wriggle the knife out but only causing himself more pain. "You fucking freak! My shoulder aaahhh!"

Leonardo only stares at him, eyes as hard as diamonds. Finally he speaks.

"An eye for an eye." He says softly.

Hun's had enough games now, he won't be whittled down like an ox with a pack of wolves nipping at its heels, and he's not going to let this one lone turtle take him out so easily.

He wants Leonardo to know the meaning of pain.

Without warning he lunges forward bellowing at the top of his lungs, he grabs both of Leonardo's arms and slams his head into the turtle's face. The turtle staggers backwards but Hun keeps his grasp on his opponent; he brings his knee into Leonardo's plastron and then kicks up into the turtle's face again. The blow takes the turtle off balance and sends him staggering backwards. Hun barrels forward taking the turtle off of his feet and slamming him against the far wall. There is a loud thump and a groan from Leonardo, Hun back hands the turtle and kicks him again just out of spite. He tries to reach down for Leonardo, going for the neck like he had done with Donatello…but suddenly he finds a Nunchuku chain around his own neck and Michelangelo leaps on his back.

Surprised Hun turns and tries to grab the orange masked turtle but he can't get a hold of him." Get off of me you freak!"

"Now, now, no name calling!" Michelangelo says mockingly reprimanding Hun, he grabs one of Hun's flailing arms and using Hun's own momentum flips him backwards.

Hun lands on his side on the floor with a thump that rattles his bones and sets his shoulder wound afire. He pulls himself to his hands and knees shaking his head to clear it..and then he notices the gun. His henchman has it on his ankle holster, and Hun knows it's loaded. Grinning nastily he reaches for the gun, and turns to point the gun at Michelangelo. "You don't like freak, freak? How about dead turtle meat?" Hun tells the now wide-eyed Michelangelo…and he fires.

The turtle leaps out of the way of the first two shots and then disappears into the shadows. "Stay still so I can shoot you!" Hun growls turning the gun in the direction of where Leonardo was lying..but Leonardo is also gone.

"Damn you!" Hun sees a flash of blue and of orange as two dark forms quickly move through the darkness in front of him. He turns, following the forms and colors pulling the trigger continuously as he goes. Bullets ricochet across the room, and he thinks he hears a yelp from Michelangelo. Hun laughs a triumphant laugh and lowers his gun a fraction of an inch…and then Leonardo is on him again; Katana slicing, fists flying. Hun lashes out with the butt of his gun but misses. Hun fires again, knowing he doesn't have a lot of bullets left but not caring, he just wants to kill the turtle. Leonardo rushes Hun head on, deflecting bullets with his Katana…and leaping at Hun, slicing the gun in two with a swipe of the Katana. Hun ducks his head under Leo's katana, blocks one of Leo's arms and kicks the turtle in the face…hard. Leo staggers backwards his nose bleeding, and drops one of his Katana. Hun takes advantage of it reaching forward and grabbing one of the turtle's arms he flips the turtle and slams him into the ground. Then he reaches down and attempts to grab the blue masked turtle by the neck again.

His nose running red Leonardo surprises his attacker by savagely kicking the human in the neither regions and getting himself free from the human's now much weakened grasp. As the human hunches over in pain the blue masked turtle reaches up and grabs into the hilt of the knife still stuck in Hun's shoulder, then with all of his strength he yanks it out. Hun bellows and immediately and blood begins to flow from the wound and down his tattered shirt. Unthinking, letting his rage guide him Hun slams his head into Leonardo's and rips the knife out of the turtle's hands. He turns it around and tries to stab the blue masked turtle going for the soft spot on the side between his plastron and his shell..hoping to his something vital or at least painful. Leonardo throws himself backwards, nimbly managing to get out of the way just enough for the knife to scrape his plastron and make a long deep gash in his leg.

Leo lets out a grunt of pain and staggers backwards clutching his leg. Badly injured himself Hun stubbornly persists and attacks with the knife again..but Michelangelo intercedes once more to save his brother. The orange masked turtle blocks the knife with one of his Nunchuku, his eyes narrowed in anger. "If you're not going to play nice I'm going to have to take away your toys!"

Mike whirls in place, ripping the knife out of Hun's hand and tossing it across the room.

Still in a state of rage Hun tries to lash out at the turtle but he ducks out of the way. Searching for a weapon Hun spots the Katana Leonardo dropped next to him and he dives for it. The orange masked turtle tries to get to the weapon but Hun's closer; he grabs it and slices upwards at the turtle. Michelangelo throws himself backwards and throws his arms up in the air, trying to avoid the arc of the Katana..it slices across the turtle's plastron and then into empty air. The turtle flips backwards out of the range of the Katana and stares down at his plastron, with a grimace. Hun is pleased to see a rather long and deep horizontal gash. Hun lunges and slashes again, left and then right, Michelangelo ducks both and brings one of his Nunchuku up to block again. The two battle back and forth, Hun putting all of his strength into slicing down with the Katana, Michelangelo putting his strength into blocking it. Hun looks at the turtle's face and gets a nasty idea, he surprises the turtle by suddenly turning the Katana in place and slicing it up instead of down…and the blade slices across Michelangelo's face from chin to forehead barely missing the turtle's right eye. The turtle lets out a cry and his guard falls…and Hun goes for the killing stroke. "Mikey get down!" Leonardo barrels into his brother from the side knocking him to the floor.

Hun sees victory approaching. He raises the Katana high and smiles down at the two triumphantly as he approaches them. Leonardo puts himself in front of his brother glaring up at Hun with hatred. Hun puts the tip of the sword to the blue masked turtle's neck.

"Any last words turtle?" Hun asks with a smirk.

A finger taps him on the shoulder, he quickly turns, remembering that Donatello is still alive…. and one of the sliced off legs from the table hits him full in the face. "How about "nighty night muscle head"?" Donatello says grimly.

Hun reels backwards fireworks going off in his head and as he hits the ground darkness overtakes him.


	8. After

_Leonardo_

Hun drops and my Katana clatters across the floor. Looking up I can Donnie, right behind where Hun had been standing. He sighs and drops the table leg..then his legs seem to buckle under him and he falls to his knees. I reach over to keep him from falling and he sits down on the floor. There's nothing to say, so we sit there in silence for what seems like an eternity. We're all injured and we're all tired, we just want all this to be over with..but we still have a brother to worry about.

"Mike..come here.." Don says after a time pulling himself to his knees with his right arm and reaching into his bag. Mike's face is bleeding badly, but I don't think he'll have any scars if we take care of it right away.

"I'm okay Don, it's just a scratch." Mike says as Don dabs a cloth over Mike's face.

"Sure Mikey, a heavily bleeding scratch. Sit still and let me take care of it." Don says, his voice is still weak and scratchy.

"Hey that stings!" Mike complains indignantly.

"Don't be a baby Mike." Don says with a sigh.

"Don, your arm?" He's not using his left arm at all and that crack I heard when he hit the balcony wall sounded bad.

Don glances down at his arm and nods. "I think it's broken but I can't be sure until I can look at it properly." Then he continues on Mikey's face. "I can only disinfect our injuries here, any real first aid will have to wait until we get to the Battle Shell or April's." He says finishing up Mike's face and turning to me.

"How's your leg?" He asks raising an eye ridge.

"It's not too deep Donnie, what about your _your_ neck can you breathe okay?" I'm concerned for his safety but he doesn't seem too concerned for himself.

"That's nothing I can take care of here I need…"

Then Casey comes running into the room."Hey guys, you all right?" he asks bending down next to Mike.

I keep my gaze on Don, and I can't help but frown.

"We'll live Casey. We just want to get out of here and get back to Raph." I say with a sigh.

"You got it guys, the Battle Shell's downstairs waitin'. Think we better get outta here before Hun wakes up."

"That would be a good idea." Don says glaring over at Hun's unconscious body.

* * *

"How long do you think it will be, before they all wake up and find Hun?" I ask Don as we make our way out of the front of the building. 

"It will probably vary from person to person, depending on age, weight, race and body mass but I'm assuming that the gas we pumped through the ventilation systems will keep them out for at least another half hour." Don says, his voice is raspy and he's trying to keep all of the emotion out of it. He's angry, and he's worried about Raph, he's trying to stay strong, but I can see the turmoil in his eyes. He opens the side doors of the Battle Shell and climbs in.

"We'll be long gone by then guys." Casey said helping me into the van and into a chair as Mike climbs in beside me. Casey quickly closes the door and climbs into the front seat leaving us alone in the back. As the van starts up I turn my head towards Don, he is standing at the back unmoving, unnaturally quiet.

I want to say something but first thing's first. "What about Raph Casey, is Raph okay?"

"Raph's fine Leo, he stopped breathin' for a bit but Mikey got him goin again. He really came through." Casey says glancing up at us in the rear view mirror.

I give Mike a smile to show him how proud I am of him.

There are noises in the back of the van and I can see that Don's rummaging through the compartments in the back.

"Yeah sorry about the mess Donnie, I was kinda in a hurry." Mike says apologetically.

"It's fine Mike, nothing's broken." Don says flatly putting things back into place.

"I uh..had to use those defib thingies.."

"You did fine Mike." Don says with a little more warmth in his voice, giving Mike a small smile as he closes the compartments.

"Don..are you okay?" I ask as gently as I can.

Don turns his head, but he doesn't meet my eyes. I can really see the nasty bruises around his neck, they look painful and I know he's still having trouble breathing. Don looks down again, and he runs his right hand over the top of his head. "My neck hurts but I'll be fine." I see now how he's holding his left arm close to his body as if to keep it from moving. He's not fine, but he'll never admit it. Instead he looks at the blood flowing from my leg and with a sigh he reaches into the remaining open compartment, there he pulls out a bottle and two rolls of bandages. He walks over and kneels in front of me. "Give me get your leg before you get an infection." He says still not looking at me.

I put a hand on his good shoulder. "I can do it Donnie; you're not in any condition to be doctoring me right now." Don shakes his head.

"I'm fine."

I know he's anything but. I put a hand under his chin and I force him to look up at me. Don finally meets my eyes, and I can see the pain and the guilt there; along with something more; that hopelessness, and despair that I didn't know was there.

"No Donnie, you're not." I tell him softly.

Donatello pulls his head away from my grasp. "Let it go Leo." He says with a heavy sigh.

I clench my jaw in frustration and I frown. "Don.."

"Look are you going to let me take care of your leg or not?" Don says in a tired tone.

I regard him for a few minutes, and then I decide to let it go..for now. He's too worried about Raph, he's not going to open up now. But I'm not going to let Don get out of it though, at the first opportunity he and I are going to have a nice brotherly heart to heart, whether he wants to or not. "I can take care of it Don, really. Don't strain yourself; you've been hurt enough tonight." I tell him gently.

"Fine." Don says and he gets to his feet and turns away going to the back of the van and reaching into that last compartment where he pulls out a sling and slides his arm into it, grimacing in pain. The rest of the ride back is made in silence.


	9. What's next

_Donatello_

April meets me at the front door of the shop. Her eyes are sad as she looks at me but I don't want her sympathy, I don't deserve it.

"Oh Donnie, your neck…are you okay?" she asks gently touching the bruises on my neck. Any other day, any other time I'd probably blush, but now I just turn my head away. I grasp her hand." I'll be okay April…how's Raph?"

April smiles "He's still unconscious Don but he's fine. Come on, I'll take you to see him."

When we get upstairs Raph is lying on April's couch. His shoulder's been bandaged and his face looks badly bruised but I can tell that he's breathing strongly now. He's going to be okay.April gently touches my shoulder and when I turn to look at her she hands me a cup of tea. "Here Don, Splinter gave me the recipe. It'll help your throat."

Her smile warms my heart, if just for a few minutes.

"Whatever happened before, whatever happens now..you're all still together. That's what matters now Don." I know April can't read minds, but I think she has a pretty good idea what I've been feeling these past few weeks. Sensei was like a father to her too; she knows what we're going through.

"Thank you Casey, April..I don't know what we'd do without all of your help all of these years." Leo takes cup of tea from Casey, and April hands one to Mike.

"You guys don't got nothin ta thank us for. That's what friends are for. You know April and I'd do anything for you guys. You're like family ta us." Casey pats Leo on the shell.

"Casey I left three sleeping bags and pillows on my bed, would you go get them please?' April says and then she turns to us. " I want you all to stay here and rest for tonight, so we can get your wounds taken care of. Tomorrow morning after you've all gotten enough sleep we'll all decide what we're going to do now."

"We?" Mikey almost spills his tea trying to catch a sleeping bag Casey tosses in his direction.

"Yeah we guys. April and I have made our decision. We've left you guys alone long enough. You four ain't gonna get through this alone. So we decided we're gonna help ya. Whatever happens we're here for ya." Casey says sternly tossing a sleeping bag at me and at Leo. "I'm thinkin' some time off at out at the farmhouse ain't such a bad idea right now."

I almost drop _my_ tea. I've spent the last few weeks doing everything I can to hold _back_ all my memories of what's happened in the last month... What the shell am I going to do when we're going to be staying in the house that's right next to where he's buried?


	10. Turmoil

_Leonardo._

Our decision to take some time out to rest out at Casey's grandmother's farmhouse was based on several reasons; first and foremost being the opportunity to have a quiet, and peaceful place to recuperate from our injuries. I believed it was also important to get away from the lair for a while. It's our home of course but it's also full of memories, and I knew that sitting down there now after all that's happened wouldn't help. All and all it seemed like a good idea, but there was one rather large drawback about staying out at Casey's farmhouse. It's where Splinter is buried.

* * *

I had sensed Don's tension long before we even pulled up to the farmhouse. When the van pulled to a stop he helped us carry Raph up to the beds upstairs..and he stayed there.

He never once looked at Sensei's grave and I could tell that he was deliberately keeping from even looking in that direction.

Now for the past week he's kept a constant vigil at Raph's bedside, only leaving to eat or go to the bathroom. I can tell that he's trying to act normal, he's fiddling with a broken appliance of some sort and reading a science magazine April brought for him, and if we talk to him you can almost believe that nothing is wrong…almost. You can still see something in his eyes..and you can see the way he deliberately avoids looking out the window. He's going extremes to make us think he's over whatever was bothering him, he might even have himself convinced that he's over it..but I can tell that he isn't.

I know from experience that the longer you keep emotions inside, the stronger they become..and the more damage they do when they finally escape. Don is strong, and he can be stubborn when he puts his mind to it, I wonder how much longer he can keep it all inside and most importantly I wonder what will happen when he can't keep it in any longer..and it all comes out.


	11. Memories

Donatello.

You don't know how hard it is, knowing what's outside that window.

Everywhere I look the memories I've been trying to keep at bay are battering at my mind, trying to make themselves heard. It was bad enough back at the lair, with Sensei's room and Sensei's things and Sensei's favorite soap on TV every time I turned it on. But now, being here at the farmhouse it's somehow even worse..because my father is buried out there. I do the only thing I can to keep all the memories at bay; I focus on Raph. Each day I check his vital signs, I change his bandages, and make sure his wounds aren't getting infected. He's better now, and even the gunshot wound will soon be on its way to healing. He lost a lot of blood, and it will take time for his body to make more. I couldn't exactly give him a transfusion, I don't have the equipment and I didn't have the time.

He's just going to have to rest until his body makes up for what he lost. He's out of the woods that I'm sure of, and though I'm no doctor I'm pretty sure he'll wake up soon. It could be today or it could be within a few days either way I'll be glad when he does, I want to make sure he hasn't suffered any brain damage as a result of his injuries; and the subsequent momentary stopping of his heart. Mike's quick thinking brought him back but I need to be sure he's okay.

Another memory tries to surface; I get another flash of myself as a small turtle, lost in the sewers..I get a flash of Sensei's face..and I quickly shut it all down again. I don't want the memories, I don't want the pain they bring me. I don't want to cry anymore, I just want some peace, I just want to rest..but my memories won't let me rest.

I can smell the aromas of cooking food downstairs, Mike already offered to make me lunch but I'm not hungry. The television I brought for the farmhouse is plugged in and running fine, I can hear it all the way up here. Raph will sure be glad to see that when he wakes up.

A breeze comes up and blows through the open windows, dropping the temperature in the room by at least a few degrees. It's not good for Raph so I get up to close the windows…and then I see a flash of something out by the barn. Leaning out the window I stare out at the grounds looking for the movement again. The sky is darkening and the air smells like rain, I can hear the wind blowing the leaves of the trees around and I can picture them all dancing and swaying in unison, I can't see anything through the moving branches…and then suddenly I can see him.

It's Sensei.

He's standing in the middle of the yard, right below the window, and it's him right down to his walking stick and his Kimono. He looks so real, so alive that my heart catches in my throat; and he looks up at me. When he's sure he has my attention he turns and walks towards the back of the house..towards the woods. Suddenly I feel the urgent need to follow him, and it's a feeling that brooks no argument. For some reason I'm suddenly sure that if I don't follow, I will loose something but I don't know what it is, I'm sure that if I don't go I'll regret it for the rest of my life. I find my old curiosity, that which has always gotten me into plenty of trouble since I was old enough to walk, sitting up and taking interest.

Is it a ghost or is it a mere figment of my imagination? Is it a projection of my inner turmoil, or maybe a telepathic remnant of the bond Sensei shared with all of us?

I turn to look at Raph; he's still unconscious, and sleeping peacefully. I close the windows tightly and tuck the blankets in tighter around him to ward off the cold.

It won't take long…I'll go out and follow Sensei's image into the woods, but I won't go far..just far enough to figure out what it is. I'll be back by the time Raph wakes up.

The decision made I take a coat from the closet and head down the stairs, that sense of urgency building. Sensei's getting away..it's my last chance and if I miss it, he's going to disappear forever and I'll never see him again.

Casey's standing in front of the TV when I come into the living room and he looks surprised to see me. "Where ya goin Donnie?" He asks me looking puzzled.

"Better not go outside, weather service says there's a storm comin'. Looks like a bad one too." Casey starts but I'm already reaching for the door.

"I just have to get outside for a little bit Casey. I need some time alone to think. I'll be back before the storm hits." Then I push out onto the porch before he has a chance to answer.

My feet take me out across the yard, around the house and into the woods without much thought on my part. I scan the woods looking for some sign of the ghostly image I saw..when suddenly not far away I see him again. He stands there his hands folded over the top of his walking stick and he smiles at me as I approach. As soon as I see that smile the memories begin to batter at my mind more fiercely than ever…and my head begins to throb. I clutch my head in my hands and I… I fight to hold them back, but it's like holding back a damn that's broken. The pain is so bad, I can't help but scream..as the wave washes over my mind and….

_It was not long after their final defeat of the evil Utrom Shredder. He was walking with Splinter one afternoon in the orchard next to Casey's grandmother's farmhouse, and his broken arm was hurting abominably. Splinter too was still recovering from his near death by electrocution at the hands of Shredder and both had been content to walk together in silence. The weather was good, the sun was out, and the air smelled of apples and freshly cut grass. _

"_It's nice here isn't it Sensei? It's peaceful somehow." he had said reaching up and touching an apple with his free hand, just to touch it._

"_Indeed my son, a peace we have all sorely missed. I wish that your brothers too could come and simply enjoy the peace this place has to offer, yet I know that they would not find it so restful as we."_

"_Especially Mike and Raph. The last time I brought them here all they wanted to do was shoot apples off of my head with a bow and arrow, just to see who was the best shot. Leo might enjoy it though, if he wasn't..well..you know." Don had sighed, his worry over the way Leonardo was acting evident on his face._

_Splinter had laid a hand on Don's shoulder. "Have patience with your brother Donatello, he has taken a great burden upon his shoulders, and I fear it is one that is too great for even him. We cannot help him if he does not wish to be helped, we can do nothing but be there for him and hope that he will turn to us should his troubles become too much for him to bear." _

"_I understand Sensei, it's just..I'm just worried about him that's all." Don had said shaking his head mournfully_

"_As we all are my son."_

_They had walked further along the rows of apple trees, with bugs and bees buzzing past their heads, and birds chirping in the leaves of the trees above them. _

"_Sensei." Don had asked again, stopping for a second to search his mind for the right words. _

" _Yes my son?" Splinter had asked with a fatherly smile._

"_Do you think that we'll ever be at peace?"_

_Splinter had stopped and blinked for a second in puzzlement, trying to fathom the meaning of Don's words._

"_Peace my son? Are we not now, with some measure of peace?" Splinter said gesturing to the apple orchard around them._

"_Not that kind of peace, well, maybe that kind of peace but I mean.. we defeated Shredder. Don't we have a right to just live our lives from now on, without constantly having to battle some new sort of villain every week? Do you think that there will ever be a time when we don't have to worry about someone trying to kill us, don't have to worry about our friends being in danger? Will there ever be a time when we won't have to worry about being scarred physically and mentally? Will we ever be able to just rest?"_

_Splinter had stopped and looked up at his son. He had put a comforting hand on the side of Don's face. _

"_My son." He said softly, "One day. I do not know when that day will come; perhaps it will come tomorrow or next week..or perphaps it will only come when the threads of our lives have come to an end. I believe however that one day we will know peace, Donatello. Have faith."_

Peace..when will I know peace? I just want the pain to stop; I just want to know what it's like to feel joy again. But I haven't felt joyful about anything since my father died, sometimes I feel like the part of me that used to know how to be happy died with him that day in the lair.

I know my feet have been moving and I'm walking somewhere but I don't know where..I get a flash of more woods…

"_Here Sensei, let me help you. You shouldn't be up right now." He hurried over to his father's side, wrapping one protective arm around the elderly rat's shoulders. _

_Splinter had given his son a fatherly smile. "It is true that I am no longer as young as I used to be..but I am not dead yet Donatello. I am still able to move about on my own." _

_The purple masked turtle's face had shown distress at the mention of death and Splinter had seen how worried his son truly was. _

"_I'm working on a cure Sensei, just hold on a little longer." The younger turtle had begged his father, bending down to his knees in front of the elderly rat pleadingly._

_Splinter had sighed and put both hands on the sides of his son's face. _

"_I shall be with you for as long as I am able Donatello... But you must realize that there is a time for everything; a time for life, a time for death, a beginning and an end. My life is almost at an end, but I do not fear what awaits me. Even if you are not successful with your cure I will go to my death with the peace of a life lived well..and the knowledge that I have raised four fine sons whose love for me is so great that they would move time and space should I but ask. There is nothing more that a father could want." Splinter had told his son with a proud smile. _

"_Sensei..you sound like you've already given up." Donatello had said sadly looking up at his Sensei._

"_No my son, I have not given up; but I am aware of the reality which I now face. Though I have the utmost faith in your abilities as I always have I also know that there are some things that even you might not be able to do Donatello. Should you find a cure I will be overjoyed, because it will mean that I may live my life further to see you four grow up to adulthood, that I may guide you and instruct you..to be there for you. Should you not find a cure however, I will neither be disappointed nor angry with you. I will be peace with what awaits."_

_Don had just shaken his head and stood, trying to hold back his anger out of respect for his father. "You may be at peace with it Sensei but I won't be." He had said helping his father across the room to the couch. He gently helped his father sit down and then he turned and walked towards his lab. "I can't rest until I've done everything I can do..I just can't stand by and watch you die right in front of me..I need you Sensei.. we need you."_

_Splinter had shaken his head mournfully. "Donatello." He had said, the name coming out as a sigh. But the turtle had already entered his lab and closed the door. _

We still need you Sensei, look at what we've become. Look at what I've become.

I _wasn't_ able to find a cure, but he wasn't sad or angry..he was at peace.

So why can't I be?

My eyes are blurred by memories, but I can see that I'm somewhere in another part of the forest, but I've somehow gotten turned around and I'm walking in the direction of..the orchard I think. Why am I going there, and more importantly why can't I stop myself from doing it? I've held my memories in check for so long it seems that they've taken control of me now, and I can't break that control. I try to stop my pace, to turn back to the farmhouse but then the tide washes over me again. I can vaguely hear thunder in the distance and I can just barely feel rain begin to fall on my skin…

And I remember the day I found out I couldn't do anything to help Sensei.

The first thing I did wasn't to tell my brothers, or talk to Sensei..it was to call April… to let her know that I had failed.

_He felt so cold inside as he picked up his Shell Cell and pressed the special programmed button for April. He had felt cold and numb, as if all of his feelings had vanished, and all that was left was emptiness..the emptiness of failure. _

_April had answered on the third ring. _

"_April" He had said, his voice dry and hoarse. It hadn't even sounded like his voice to him, like the voice of a stranger. _

"_What is it Don, is Splinter okay?" April had heard something in his voice, and had immediately known that something was wrong._

"_No."Don had said his voice breaking "He's not going to be okay April. I've done everything I can. I've spent months with you and with leatherhead, I've e-mailed the best doctors around the world, I even..I even went to Baxter Stockman April. There's nothing, nothing to do. We caught it too late; the mutagen in his blood stream has increased the cancer ten fold. He..he doesn't have a lot of time left. Weeks maybe even days. I..I failed..April…and Splinter..Splinter's going to die."_

"_Oh Donnie.."April's voice had been sad, and horrified, and sympathetic at the same time..Splinter was like a father to her too. "I'm so sorry Don."_

"_Yeah." Don had let out an angry chuckle. "So am I." _

"_Don..Donnie…have you..told your brothers yet? Have you told Splinter?" She had asked as gently as possible. Don could hear the beginnings of tears in her voice. _

"_No. I was just about to..but..I don't know if I can face them now..not after.."_

"_It's not your fault Don." Her voice had suddenly sharpened, as if scolding him. "Do not blame yourself, do you hear me?"_

"_Yes." It had been a mere whisper. _

"_Casey and I will be down in ten minutes, Don. We're going to be there to support you when you tell them." April had promised. "In the meantime..I think you should tell Splinter first. I think you should tell him alone."_

"_That's what I'm going to do." Don had said and he had simply hung up. _

_Numbly he stood up from his chair and went to the door of his lab. The cold absence of feeling was giving way now to feelings of another kind, feelings of despair, and of shame._

_Of failure. _

_He was on his way to tell his father, that there was no miracle cure after all...that he was really and truly going to die. _

I try to pull out of the memory but it won't let me go..I don't want to remember this, I can't remember it..but it pulls me back in. I get a brief glimpse of the apple orchard around me. How long have I been walking and remembering? How much time has passed? It's raining harder now and the wind is strong, I feel cold even through the jacket. The memory is pulling even harder now and I'm sucked back in..and all thoughts of cold and time disappear.

_He stood in front of Splinter's door, trying his best to keep his emotions calm, trying not to give in to the pain..his heart thumping in his plastron…_

No, please..I can't remember..I don't want to remember!! It's so cold, and I'm so tired, I just want to go home!

_And Splinter's voice comes out from the candle lit room beyond. "Come in my son." _

_Don had swallowed hard and stepped into the room. There sitting inside of a ring of candles and incense, sat Splinter, looking as calm and serene as he always did…except for the illness was showing now. He was so thin, his fur had lost its shine, and his eyes looked sunken..yet the love in his eyes was a strong as it had always been. He had been in so much pain, but he had never complained. He had smiled up at his son, so benevolently, so trustingly. "What is it my son?" He had asked gently. _

_That's when Don had broken down.. _

And down and down..into the rabbit hole..how far down will I go? I don't know.

I feel the tears streaming down my cheeks, mixing with the rain as it douses me from above and my feet keep moving on as my mind keeps tormenting me..and I remember… I remember….


	12. Heart to heart

Leonardo.

"Looks like a storm's coming Leo. Maybe we should..uh. wait until it's gone before we do this. Yeah..that's a good idea." Mike stands back from Sensei's grave and I can tell that he's apprehensive.

"It'll be too wet then Mike, we can come back after the storm and get rid of any debris that fall but the ground is dry now, it's the best time to get all the weeds out. Besides, I think this is something we need to do now." I tell him grabbing his arm and pulling him closer to the grave. Mike drags his feet but I manage to get him closer.

"Uh Leo..I don't think I'm up to this..I can't.." There are tears at the corner of his eyes and he crosses his arms across his plastron as if to protect himself.

"Mike, you've spent all this time doing nothing but worrying about Donnie. You haven't even taken the time to mourn properly. Today I want you to stand here and help me clean off Sensei's grave and I want you to talk to me."

Mike balks and frowns."Yeah well at least _I_ took the time for Donnie. You and Raph just took off..and you haven't even cried since Sensei died. You act like nothing even happened. I don't think you're the one that should be telling me how I should mourn Sensei's death." He tells me taking a step away from Sensei's grave and turning his head away from me in anger. I hadn't realized he resented Raph and myself so much for leaving him and Don alone that night.

"Mike I'm not acting like nothing's happened..but..you have to understand that I can't show my emotions like you three can. I'm the leader Mike; I'm the one you all look too for guidance..and that means I'm one that has to be strong. If I break down and give in to the pain I'm feeling over Sensei's death..where does that leave all of you?"

"Aw that's bull Leo and you know it." Mike shakes his head and waves a hand at me.

"You're just telling yourself that you have to be strong for us. All you're really doing is pushing back all your feelings because you don't want to accept the fact that Sensei's really gone. You want to keep on playing big strong leader boy, and pretend like everything's normal and think we're all going to watch you and fall in to line like soldiers and whoosh everything's going to be okay?" Mike throws his hands up into the air and sighs in irritation. "Well reality check! It isn't going to be okay Leo. Sensei's gone, everything isn't normal, and we're all having a hard time. Guess what? I've accepted it Leo, I don't like it but at least I accept it. I've asked myself the how's and the why's, I've cried and I've come to terms with it. A few tears won't kill you Leo, and they won't make us fall apart either. We're our own turtles and we don't look to you to tell us how to think and how to feel."

"Do you want me to act like Raph..or Don?" Mike hit the nail on the head, he's right..and realizing it only makes me angry. "Raph let his feelings out and got his shell shot by Hun and Don's not much better than a zombie from one of your horror films. You want me to break down and let my feelings out? You want me to cry and feel sorry for myself, and act like some sort of angst-ridden teenager from one of Sensei's badly written soaps? Been there..done that. Have you forgotten what I was like before when I was feeling all of those emotions and letting them control me? Have you forgotten what I was like then? That's why Sensei sent me to the Ancient One, that's why I'm controlling my feelings now. I don't want to end up like Don and Raph, feeling too much and letting it destroy me." I feel a tear slide down my cheek, but I don't wipe it away.

Mike just looks at me. "Donnie may be feeling too much Leo..but at least he's feeling."

He bends down and starts pulling weeds out of ground above Sensei's grave, just to give his hands something to do.

"I'm not saying you have to go all Darth Leo again, in fact I'd rather you didn't it was too freaky to go through a second time. I'm not saying you have to like..have a nervous breakdown or something..but geeze act like something besides the Turtle Terminator already. It's okay to cry every once in awhile; it's okay to show that you really miss Sensei. We all understand Leo, we miss him too." Mike's eyes are sad as he looks up at me..and I find my anger melting. My baby bro's right. I guess I have been acting a little shut down lately.

I sigh and bend down next to Mike, grabbing at a nearby weed. There aren't that many of them, all we have to do after we get them out is sweep off a few leaves and smooth the ground out and Sensei's grave will look neat again. It will look just like it did the day we buried him.

It seems like years ago..but it was only a few weeks.

"You're right Mike.I..I'm sorry."

"Yeah it's okay Leo. I understand." Mike pats me on the shoulder and gives me a forgiving smile. I can't help but smile back.

"So you're helping me now?"

"I'm here aren't I?"

"A few seconds ago you didn't even want to come near it."

"Yeah and I still don't really want to be sitting here, It makes me want to cry and I'm tired of crying. But you're right Leo this needs to be done out of respect for Sensei.. and we did need to talk. This is a good place to do it considering what we're talking about." Mike shrugs yanking out the last weed.

"I brought you out here to talk about how _you're_ feeling..not how I'm feeling." I tell him standing and picking up the rake I brought out with us.

"And we did, I'm feeling fine thanks. Weather looks sucky, bet it's going to rain. The cut on my face is better but I've still got bruises that have got bruises from tangling with Hun. Still worried about Donnie and Raph.. but I think we know that already that..and oh yeah.. still sad about Sensei and I would like to finish up and go inside where it's warm. Oh and I'm hungry too. How are you feeling?" Mike says smiling at me.

I sweep the leaves and sticks off of Sensei's grave and use the rake to smooth over the dirt to finish our cleaning job. "I'm feeling that I'm doing something meaningful right now. That I'm showing respect to my father by making sure his grave is still clean and taken care of…and I'm feeling..wishing that he was still with us so that we wouldn't have to do this."

"Me too bro. Me too." Mike says putting an arm around my shoulders.

We stand there for a second in silence, paying our mutual respects to Sensei…and I turn to see that there are tears running down his cheeks.

"Hey..Mike… it _is_ going to be okay, don't you see? It hurts now..but I think..I think we'll all get through it in the end if we just stick together and help one another." I tell him putting a hand on his arm and squeezing it.

Mike wipes away a tear and tries to smile. "Yeah, you're right Leo. With all that we've been through lately I guess I'm kinda still stuck in the negative zone. Sometimes I feel like everything's falling apart around us, and everything's going wrong."

"That's normal Mikey..a lot of bad things _have_ happened lately, but I think that we've been caught in some sort of storm in our lives, everything bad is happening at once. Somehow though I have to believe that when that storm passes we'll find that things are going to be all right..we just have to have faith in ourselves, our family and our friends. We just have to hope that things will turn out okay in the end. There's nothing else we can do."

"Yes there is, we can go inside and have a nice big meal that's what we can do. I find that having faith is a whole lot easier when you're warm next to a roaring fire and you've got a full stomach to help you." Mike says pulling me towards the house.

I can't help but laugh. "Good idea Mike, you go help April in the kitchen and I'll go drag Don's shell downstairs. He didn't eat anything for lunch but he's going to eat dinner if I have to tie him down and pour it down his throat."

"And I'll help hold him down." Mike says as we go inside. He goes for the kitchen while I head for the stairs.

"Hey Don, you've been up here long enough, it's time to come downstairs and eat dinner with us so we can at least act like a normal..."

I climb the final step up into the room..but except for Raph, still lying unconscious in his bed, it's empty.

"Hey Leo, tell braniac that it'll be ready in ten minutes, and he's gut about five minutes to..." Mike stops when I don't answer. He sees me standing at the top of the stairs and then notices the look on my face.

"What is it Leo?" He asks heading up the stairs beside me. He stops when he sees me and Raph in the room..but no Don.

"Hey..where'd Donnie go?"

I feel my heart thumping in my chest as I head past Mike and down the stairs, leaping to the living room floor. Something's not right, I can feel it. "Casey!"

Casey comes out of the kitchen, his mouth full of food. "Wud ish is it Leo?" He asks talking around a full mouth.

"Casey have you seen Don? He's not upstairs with Raph." I rush to the door and look outside..just as the sky opens up outside and it starts to rain.

"What." Casey says swallowing. "Ya mean he ain't come back yet?"

"Come back? Are you saying Donnie got up and left and you didn't tell us!" Mike says throwing up his hands in frustration.

"Uh..oops?" Casey says and I turn to give him a glare.

Perfect, what else can go wrong this week.


	13. Awakening

_Note: Thanks to J'oublie m'appelle for pointing out the fact that Raph should actually be wondering about his brother's injuries. I've re-written the two important scenes to take it into account. Kudos for catching it, LOL and since I know French I have to say...nice name. ;o)_

_Thanks to Deana and Pinkstrangegirl for their kindness in leaving such enthusiastic reviews. :o)_

* * *

_Raphael_

Don't know where the heck I am..but it sure looks nice.

I been kinda driftin' in and outta dreamland since Hun's goons knocked me cold. I don't know how long ago that was or how long I been here, but seems like I just suddenly found myself standin' in the middle of a whole lotta green grass. I can see mountains off in the distance and from the way the houses look a couple a hills away over there, I'm thinkin' I'm in Japan.. or somewhere that's suppos'ta look like Japan. If I look hard enough I can see everything fer miles, all the greens, and blues from the trees and lakes and rivers and stuff…and there's a little bit a mist still hangin onta the mountains. Smells nice too, like flowers and incence and stuff. I ain't gonna complain, the view here is a heck of a lot better than when I was awake…Hun's ugly mug is enough ta scare anybody inta the after life.

Uh..I hope I ain't actually in the afterlife. That would kinda suck leavin' my bro's behind and all.

I can hear grass crunchin' and I can tell somebody's comin' up the hill. I turn ta see who it is an I feel like I'm gonna drop dead outta shock.

It's Sensei!

He walks up ta me and he smile at me and that smile knocks me right ta my knees.

Man I missed that smile.

If I'm here..and Sensei's here..does that really mean I'm dead?

Splinter shakes his head like he'd just read my thoughts or somethin' and he walks up ta me. He don't say nothin' but then he looks at me again..and suddenly I _know_.

He walks up ta me and he puts a hand on my shoulder ta let me know that everything'll be all right, and then he hugs me. I feel the tears runnin' down my face and I don't give a damn that I'm cryin'. I've missed that smile, I've missed his sense a humor..and most of all I've missed him just bein' there. He was everythin' ta us, and when he was gone it broke out hearts.

"Sensei, we.." I start ta tell him..

But then he pulls back and he stops me by shakin' his head, and I know that he knows how we're feelin'. It's why he's here now.

He turns and he points ta the sky.

I look where he's pointin' and at first all I can see is blue sky and a few fluffy white clouds..but then..I start ta hear it. It ain't loud at first but when It gets louder I know what it is..

Leo's voice.

"I can't believe you didn't tell us when he left Casey!"

Leo sounds pissed, and he sounds worried. I wonder what's goin' on and who Leo's talkin about. I turn back ta Splinter and he's gone..and then it's all gone.

And I'm wakin' up in the upstairs rooms of Casey's grandma's farmhouse. I was afraid I'd be wakin' up with Hun's ugly face starin' down at me, looks like my bro's came through for me.

Leo's shovin' blankets inta a backpack and he looks really, really worried. There's a bandage on his leg and I'm wonderin' where the heck it came from. Did somethin' happen ta my bro's while I was out? They didn't go up against Hun did they?

Casey's leanin' against the wall next ta a window and I can hear the rain hittin' the roof and the wind blowin' outside.

Casey turns back ta Leo and he shrugs lookin' embarrassed. "He said he wanted ta go out fer a walk ta clear his mind, that's all. He said he' d be back before the storm hit.. I thought..yeah he was actin' a little weird but I thought Donnie can take care of himself."

Donnie? Did somethin' happen ta Donnie!?

"Normally he can Casey." Leo says angrily, stuffin' a towel inta another backpack and pickin' up a rain jacket. "But Don's not himself right now. He's been hurt and he's not in any condition to be out in this storm. I need to know exactly how long ago it was that he left."

Don's been hurt? I'm not likin' how this conversation is goin'.

"I don't know..coupla hours maybe. You and Mikey were busy in the kitchen makin' lunch..and then you two went out and clean off Splinter's grave.." Casey said shruggin' again.

"Casey.."Leo says sighin' "That was over three hours ago."

"Hey, you didn't exactly notice Donnie was gone either Leo." Case says soundin' a little defensive.

"We didn't have any reason to believe that he would just get up and go wandering off into the woods. Didn't you think it's odd that he's spent the last two weeks not moving from Raph's bedside and not even looking out the window… and then suddenly he wants to go for a walk?" Leo says givin' him a stare.

"Yeah kinda, but Donnie's a responsible guy Leo, and he's smart. I figured he'd be back like he said he would."

"It doesn't matter how responsible Don is, you should have said something the moment he left." Leo said makin' a slicin' motion in the air in front a him. I know Leo, when he does that it means discussion over, point blank, end a story. Just hope Case gets that he messed up before Leo gets really pissed at him.

"Yeah okay, Leo, I shoulda said somethin' I'm sorry okay. He just looked so sad, and I figured he could use some time alone and all. Then I kinda got caught up in the game and forgot about it 'till the storm came up. Have ya tried callin' his Shell Cell?"

Leo's givin' Case on'a _those_ looks.. and holds up Donnie's Shell Cell.

"Oh man." Case says lookin' surprised. Then he tries ta be optimistic. Bad idea with Leo in the mood he's in. "Maybe we're worryin' fer nothin' Leo..maybe Don came back and he's holed up in the barn messin' with the van or somethin.."

"He's _not_ in the barn Casey." April says comin' up the stairs with Mikey. "Zip in the basement. Donnie's not here. The weather's kinda washed them away but I thought I saw footprints near the woods." Mike says grabbin' a towel outta the pile Leo's got sittin' on the end of my bed…then he sees me; and I notice his face.

He's got one nasty lookin' gash right down the middle o' his face; it's healin' okay but he'll be lucky if he don't get a scar. If Mike and Leo got hurt..then how bad did Donnie get hurt? What the heck happened?

"Raph." Mike says his face breaking into a smile.

Leo stops what he's doin' and looks twards me. I'd like ta have a picture of his face so I could hang it on the wall in my room.

"Don't mind me, I'm just waitin' fer Leo ta stuff Casey inta blanket and hang um from a the ceiling so we can use 'em for a punchin' bag."

Mike attacks me with a hug, almost squeezin' the life outta me and joltin' my shoulder. Heh, guess he's glad ta see me. "Glad ta see you too Mikey but I kinda need my lungs and all..'

Mike sits back grinning sheepishly, "Heh, sorry Raph."

"Raphie boy, glad ta see ya back." Casey slaps me on my shell, ouch, there goes the damn shoulder again.

Then Leo's standin' next ta me. "Raph." He says smilin' at me.

"Leo."

He's been through a lot, I can tell from those dark rings under his eyes and the worry he's got in his eyes. I'm bettin' a lota crap's happened..and most of it's probably my fault. Leo's not gonna say it though, and he probably ain't even thinkin' it..but I know it. I know I screwed up, and now somehow Don's in trouble.

Leo's still starin' at me, I can see everything he's feelin' written all over his face.

I hold out my hand.

Leo stares back at me and then he clasps my arm, pullin' me into a hug. Didn't expect that from Leo, but I ain't gonna complain.

"How are you feeling?" He asks pullin' away.

"I'll live Leo." I tell him. "What's happened ta Donne?"

Leo shakes his head. "He's dissappeared."

"And genious here didn't even tell us when Don left." Mikey said jerkin' a thumb at Casey.

"Hey, I messed up, I get it okay. I already said I was sorry!" Casey says shruggin' and lookin' embarassed.

"According to the weather service this storm is only going to get worse, and the temperature is dropping at an alarming rate. We have to find Don before it's too late." April says huggin' hear arms to herself and lookin' worried.

"He could be anywhere Leo, what do we do?" Mikey says looking just as worried as April.

"We'll start with the highway and search from there. I think our best bet is to check the orchard, the gorge and maybe down by the river." Leo says puttin' on his game face. "April I want you to say here just in case Don comes, call us immediately if he does. Mikey, Casey and I are going to take the van and go look for Don."

"Right Leo." April says, noddin'. She still looks worried.

"Raph, you just stay here and rest up. I don't want you to leave this bed? Do you hear me?" Leo says givin' me on'a his bossy looks.

"Hey now wait just a minute…" I start, but Leo cuts me off.

"Raph if it hadn't been for Mikey you'd be dead right now, you've lost a lot of blood and you've been uncontious for the better part of two weeks. We've got enough to worry about with Don, we don't need hurting youself even further just because you're too stubborn to listen. For our sake and for you own Raphael..stay in the damn bed."

Leo and I stare at one another for a minute.

Damn.

As much as I hate takin' orders, Leo ain' t wrong. And seein' as though it's my fault all this is goin' down, I think I'll just listen ta Leo.

Fer now.

"Okay Leo." I say grudgingly.

"Thank you." Leo says puttin' a hand on my shoulder, then he turns ta Mike and Casey. "Grab a bag and a flashlight, it's time to go." Then he heads for the stairs with Mike and Casey following. When the door slams downstairs April sits down on the bed and tries ta smile at me, but she ain't got the heart. I can tell she's too worried about Don.

"Can I bring you some tea Raphael?"

"Later." I tell her lookin' away from the stairs and turnin' my gaze ta her. " Right now you can tell me just what the heck happened between my bro's and Hun."


	14. Gone

_Leonardo._

As angry as I am with Casey, I know it's just as much my fault as it is his. I should have seen this coming…but I would never have believed that Don would do something like this; I could never believe he would just leave us. I know he's not the suicidal type, he's too practical for that, but with the way he's been lately I'm forced to wonder if he hasn't just given up for good. Why else would he do this?

I'm really glad that Raph's awake but I won't let him help us search, he's still too weak, we've just got him back, I don't want to take the chance of loosing him again. He's going to have to stay behind with April just in case Don comes back.

Mike, Casey and I are going to take the van and scout the highway, and head down to the river just in case. There are plenty of places Don could be right now, and I get the urgent feeling that we don't have a lot of time. We're just going to have to search the most likely places and hope we find him..and hope we aren't too late. The weather service predicts that the storm will get worse before it gets better and it could do on all night. It is very cold outside, and soon that lighting in the distance won't be so distant anymore. We have to find him and we have to find him soon.


	15. Lost

_Donatello_

Cold..I'm so..cold. The rain just keeps coming and the wind just keeps blowing. The memories have given me a momentary rest and I've managed to find some modicum of shelter under a tree. It doesn't help much but it keeps some of the rain off. I have to get out of this rain; my blood is getting too cold. Already I'm feeling sluggish, and I can't get my arms and legs to respond like I want them too. Why am I here in the orchard? How long have I been walking? My feet hurt along with my head… and the memories are swirling around in there again…and I suddenly remember that there is a small shed not much farther into the orchard. I think it will give me shelter from the rain for now. I don't know what happens after that. Will my memories let me rest long enough to walk back to the farmhouse?

I don't know.

I push away from the tree and make a dash farther into the orchard, ahead I can see the shed, its door flapping back and forth in the wind…and the memories swirl over me again..and I remember…the time I got lost in the sewers when I was a child.

_He had been so young, and so curious…_

_It had been raining for a few days and the runoff into sewers had filled them with all sorts of interesting things…and he had been curious. He'd been watching things float through the sewer water past their lair for days, and wanted to see what they were. Splinter had kept his little sons out of the tunnels because of the rain however, for fear of one of them falling into the rushing waters..and Don hadn't had a chance to satisfy his curiosity. Until that day. _

_He and Leo had been playing a game together, Raph and Mike had been coloring in a coloring book, and Splinter had been sitting on the couch reading a book while, keeping a fatherly watch over them out of the corner of his eye. It just so happened that Raph had been in one of his more nasty moods that day, and he had taken a crayon from Mike and refused to give it back. When Mike had protested, Raph had taken a few more crayons and begun to run around the room with them, holding them just out of little Mike's reach. The screaming fit from Mike that ensued was more than enough to distract Splinter, from his book, and Leo from their game. Both the rat and the little turtle had gone to intervene; little Leo to get the crayons back from Raph and Splinter to calm Mike down. _

_Don was used to Raph and Mike's little squabbles and Leo appeared to have Raph under control…and Don had just noticed some really, really interesting things floating in the water outside of the lair. A quick look had told him that Splinter was still busy with Mike and Raph..so little Don had decided to sneak out to the tunnels to have a look at those interesting things._

_They were already floating down the pipes as he approached them, and he realized if he wanted to catch them he was going to have to follow them. After a few seconds hesitation he had decided to follow, but to not go out of sight of the lair… Splinter would be angry with him if he got lost.  
After a few seconds of chasing he managed to catch up with some of the things in the water. One had been a little chewed up duck made of rubber that floated lopsidedly in the water, another a warn out newspaper of some kind, and the third a dingy brown thing that looked to be made of cloth. He hadn't been able to tell exactly what it was but it had looked a bit like a bag. He had brightened, intrigued..he could always use a bag of some sort to carry his important things in. His determination not to wander too far away from the lair had been forgotten in a sudden desire for that brown bag…and he had begun to chase it. Down the sewers he had run, taking turn after turn, leaping over pipes and climbing down tunnels. He eventually managed to catch up with it by sheer luck, it had snagged on debris near the edge of the rushing water..and young Donnie had been able to lean down and grab it. After getting it and himself safely away from the water, Donnie had been happy to discover that it had indeed been a bag, and a large one at that. The zipper had been broken, and it had smelled of sewer but with a good washing it would be otherwise fine. He had been sure that Sensei would wash it for him.._

_And then realization had hit him._

_He had looked up and around him and realized that he had no idea where he was. He had wandered too far away from home..and now he was lost!_

Lost..I was lost.

I once was lost and now…I'm still lost.

I can feel my feet moving even through the memory if I concentrate hard enough and I realize I've gone right past the shed. I don't know where I'm going but I realize that just as I had been that day when I was young, I am even more lost now. Not just physically, though I know I can't be that far from Casey's farmhouse, but mentally as well. Splinter's death threw me off my path, and I've lost my way back to it.

That day I had Splinter to guide me back to safety, I don't have him anymore to do that.

When will these memories let me go? When will I be able to just go back and get some rest? What is the purpose of this?

And what does it have to do with that ghost I followed into the woods, the one that looked exactly like Splinter? It's funny I thought I'd learned that day so long ago when I got lost in the sewers and found my brown bag, the one I still have today. I had left the safety of the lair telling myself I wouldn't go too far, telling myself that I would turn back..and instead I got myself lost. I did the same thing today.

Heh, I guess I'll never learn.

I remember I was so young and so afraid..I had suddenly been separated from my brothers, and my father, torn from everything I held dear. I was so afraid I would never find them again… I remember the fear..the hope that my father would turn the corner any second and find me..I wanted to hear his voice and I wanted him to take me in his arms, give me a hug and tell me everything was going to be all right.

Years later, and many years older it's still the only thing I want.

I want my brothers, and my father, together again, somewhere warm and safe, I want to see his face and hear him tell me everything is going to be all right.

I know it won't be. He's gone and I'm alone, and all I have is my memories. Here I am lost once again, lost in my memories and lost in the woods..lost and remembering the way it once was.

_He had tried to find his way back home on his own, but had only ended up turning himself around more and more. Finally it had started to rain up top again and the water had begun to drip down around him, getting him completely wet. Clutching his new bag, which suddenly didn't seem so interesting anymore, little Donnie had just huddled down under a nearby ledge and pulled his legs up to his plastron. Crying softly he had tried to shut out the sounds of honking horns, humans and falling rain from above..and put his hands over his head. He wanted to go home. _

_He was lost..so very lost…all he wanted to do was go home._


	16. Sensei points the way

_Michelangelo._

The winds are hitting the van hard and it's all we can do to see the road in front of us on account of all that rain. Still we keep going- we'd keep going in a tornado or a hurricane..because Donnie's still out there somewhere.

April's called in to say that there's still no sign of him back at the farmhouse, and we all know that means he's still stuck out in the storm. I keep hoping that we'll just find him wandering along the road or something, or that he's taken shelter somewhere near Casey's and we've just overlooked him. I keep hoping we'll get a call from April, to tell us Donnie's back with her safe and sound.

I know I'm hoping for too much.

If Donnie hasn't come home yet it means that something's keeping him from coming home. I scan one side of the road looking for any sign of Don but we can barely even see the trees on the side of the road. Casey says the turnoff for the apple orchard isn't far from here, but we're not really sure whether or not he's there. Casey thinks maybe we should check the river first..just in case.

Leo and I are sitting in the back, Leo's watching the other side and the look on his face is so intense I'm betting Don's going to get yelled at when we find him. Usually I'm the one getting whacked on the head by my bros for some reason or another..but when I find Donnie I'm gonna smack _him_ on the head for worrying us like this. He should leave the boneheaded stunts to Raph. He's better at getting out of them without getting himself killed, well usually anyway.

What was Donnie thinking?

"Casey stop!" Leo's suddenly says and Casey slams on the breaks. I can see Leo peering out into the storm, and looking at something on the side of the road…and I can the road to the apple orchard. Leo's staring as hard as he can at that little road and I'm wondering if he's seeing something I'm not. I look a little harder and suddenly in a flash of lighting I see it…I see _him._

It's Sensei!

In the next few flashes of lighting I can see him staring pointedly at us, and then he slowly turns and points down the road towards the orchard.

"Sensei." Leo says in a whisper and he turns to look at me. "Do you see him Mike?"

I'm so freaked out I can't get my voice box to work but I nod.

"What? I don't see nothin'!" Casey says turning in his seat, craning his neck to see what we're seeing.

"He's helping us find Don. That's it Casey, turn in that road that's where Don is!" Leo says and his tone is saying he isn't making a suggestion.

Casey looks uneasy but he shrugs. "Sure Leo, whatever you say." He says turning the wheel sharply and pulling the van onto the gravel road. "Good thing they graded the road this year or we'd never get his old hunk a junk back there..this ain't exactly the Battle Shell."

Leo and I move to the front of the van to watch the road in front of us, and we can both see Splinter appearing and disappearing on the road ahead. Finally we pull into the clearing right in front of the orchard, and the van can't go any farther.

Leo grabs a bag full of blankets; a flashlight and yanks open the door.

"Keep the van warmed up Casey, we'll be back with Don." He says and then jumps out of the van, and takes off into the orchard. In the distance I can see Splinter still pointing.

I grab a flashlight and take off into the woods after Leo.


	17. Searching in the Darkness

_Leonardo_

"Donnie!"

I call his name out into the woods but there is no response. I didn't really expect one.

He's been out in this rain too long, we'll be lucky to find him before he goes into a coma.  
It's cold out here, much too cold for this time of year. It's kind of odd, but it could also be the presence of the rain and the wind, making an already chilly fall seem even colder than normal. I can't see Sensei anymore and the orchard is large, I don't even know where to begin to search. Rain droplets and tree trunks dance through the beams of our flashlights as we run, and our voices barely carry over the wind, the rain and the sounds of our feet running through the leaves and fallen branches. "Donnie!" Mike calls, panning his flashlights slowly across the forest…and then he slowly points the beam down at the ground. There, clearly in the leaves, and the mud we can see tracks.. tracks that could only be made by one of us. More tracks lead further into the woods and we follow them running as fast as safely possible. I'm glad that my leg has pretty much healed by now, it would have seriously slown me down out here.

Funny it seems like it just keeps getting colder. The darkness in the woods around us seems to have a life of its own, moving and twisting like living beings. The trees rustle and make unsettling noises in the wind. I can't help but feel but feel a twinge of uneasiness. I call Don's name again, and I suddenly hear a crack..and I've suddenly got the feeling that there's something behind me. I turn and look for Mike but I can only see the beam of his flashlight in the distance, he's gone on..and I've fallen behind. I can feel a presence, and I know that if I turn I'll be confronted with something that is more than just shadow. Something reaches out for me, I hear more cracking…my heart begins to race…and then in another flash of lightening Splinter appears in front of my eyes, scaring a few years off of my life. Abruptly the presence is gone and the shadows seemed to retreat. The look on his face is urgent as he turns and points to my left, in the direction of the apple shed…and then he's gone.

"Mike, over here!" I try to shake off the fear churning in my stomach and that lingering queasy/weak feeling one gets after having almost jumped out of their shell, and I try to focus on finding my brother. I don't know what, if anything just happened..but I'll worry about it later. I just want to get my brother and get out of these suddenly hostile woods. Mike turns in the direction I point and we both proceed in unison, calling our brothers name.

"Donnie!"


	18. Reality or memory?

_Donatello._

_He didn't know how long he had been sitting in those sewers, cold, and miserable before he had heard Splinter's voice calling out to him. He had thought he was imagining things at first, but then he had heard Leo's voice, and then Raph's, and then Mikes..all calling his name. _

_Donnie! _

"Donnie!"

"_Donatello" _

_Young Donatello had heard the voices calling his name and had gotten up and ran for the sound, but after turning a corner expecting to find his family had found nothing.. he had been puzzled..the voices had sounded so near…and so…_real…

"Donnie!"

_Sensei? _

_Suddenly the tunnels around him had filled with shadows, twisting and writhing around him. Turning away from them he had ran a bit farther and came to a junction..there he had seen the wall of all four pipes dancing with the distorted shadows of his father and brothers. _

"_Sensei..Leo!" he had called looking down the pipe to his right, suddenly very uneasy. _

"Donnie answer me!"

_He had heard Leonardo's voice but it had sounded so different to him..almost as if he had grown older…_

_To the left, to the right, ahead and even behind him the shadows of his family had still done their strange dances across the walls… something had moved behind him but when he had turned it was gone. Suddenly afraid he had chosen a pipe at random and blindly taken off down it, sure that something bad had been following him, sure that if he had turned he would have been faced with something truly horrible.._

_As he ran he had yelled his brother's names, and yelled for his father, hoping that they would suddenly appear in front of him to save him from whatever it was that had been chasing him. He had been so scared, he had been cold and tired..he had just wanted to go home. _

_He had come to the end of the pipe and there…_

Hey wait a minute, that isn't how it happened! There were no shadows chasing me that day, it was just me huddled up in my corner until Sensei and my brothers found me and took me home. None of this ever…

A flash and the memory becomes almost..real. I actually feel like I'm standing in those cold, smelly sewer pipes..trapped in a six year old body..and yet somehow still with my 16 year old mind. This isn't right! What's happening?

The shadows swoop past me..and I turn and run back in the direction from which I came. I want this memory to play out the way it's supposed to, I'm going back to that little corner and letting Sensei find me like before.

"Donnie!"

Now I realize that the voice I've been hearing isn't from my memories, or even from inside my own mind..it's from the real world outside. It's Leonardo.

He's out there somewhere looking for me, but how can I get out of these memories to find him?

"_Donatello!" Splinter's voice inside the had called to him and he had turned towards it..it sounded like it had come from further up ahead.. He had thought he could see the shadow of his father on the wall ahead.. _

_And then everything around him had begun to change…_

Suddenly I'm no longer six years old and in the sewers..but 16 and back in the lair. I look at the stethoscope in my hands, I see my brothers gathered around me, so sad, so fearful...and Leo beside me the tears already streaming down his face..and with a growing dread my gaze is dragged downwards…

Sensei…

I know what memory this is.


	19. Confusion all around

_Leonardo.._

Suddenly in the distance Mike's flashlight picks out movement, a flash of green and purple; I move my own flashlight and I try to focus the beam on him..but he's moving through the trees, running as if running to or from something.

"Donnie!" I call his name but either he doesn't hear me, or he doesn't want to respond. He runs ahead and comes to a sudden stop by a tree, there he carefully looks to the left and to the right as if searching for something..

"Donnie, anwer me!" I yell at him trying to get his attention.

He lifts his head as if hearing some noise neither Mike or I can hear..and then he turns and runs in a completely different direction!

"Where the shell is he going!" Mike says looking confused. "We're right here!"

Mike and I take off after him, but he has a head start and we loose him in the darkness ahead. Ahead of us we can hear Don yell, his voice still not recovered from our encounter with Hun. "Leo, Mikey, Raph!!" Why the shell is he yelling for us when he's running _away_ from us? Can't he even see us?

"Donnie!" I call again, but I still can't see him. Is he still running, or has he stopped? If he has stopped how can we be sure we haven't just ran right by him? There's no telling what direction he's run in now. Damn it Donatello what kind of game are you playing?

"Mike stop for a second."

He stops and gives me a questioning look. "What is it Leo?"

"Blindly running around in the woods out here is only going to get us lost, and there's a big chance that we could just pass him right by if he's stopped somewhere. I think we need to just stop, watch and listen..he's around here somewhere."

I turn my flashlight away from Mike and I pan it across the forest around us, listening for some sort of sign that Don is close..the crunch of a branch, the sound of his voice, breathing..anything. The wind has died down for a few minutes and the orchard is unnaturally quiet. I close my eyes and I just listen.

And then I hear it.

"NO NO NO NO NOOOO!!"

Mike's eyes go wide with fear, and and we both take off in the direction of Don's yell.


	20. I fall

Donatello

Of all the memories I carry inside of me this is the one memory that I can't reliveI know I won't be able to handle it. It will take everything inside of me and rip it to shreds, I won't be able to hold the emotions back any longer..

I can't remember this, I can't go through it again..I CAN'T!

I put all of my will power into stopping the memory, I can't..I can't..

_Master Splinter's breath is coming slower now, his eyes are dimming and when I put my stethoscope to his chest I can hear the beat of his heart slowing, dropping down to nothingness. Leonardo and I have tried everything we know, but even though we've learned so much from Master Splinter none of our knowledge has helped him. We can't do much more than make him comfortable. I pull my Stethoscope away and I look up at my brothers. I look at Raphael, his eyes meet mine and I see the tears falling down his cheeks. Raphael rarely cries, and when he does it means that things are bad…things are.._

_bad…_

_NO! _

NO NO NO NO NO NOOOO!!

Much like a malfunctioning television the image flashes in front of me and then starts to twist and fizzle..then I'm back in the sewers..six years old and lost.

I run in whatever direction my instincts take me and up ahead in the distance I can finally see Splinter and my brothers. I remember what happened after Splinter found me..he picked me up and hugged me so tight I could barely breathe, scolding me for wandering off and for worrying him so much. My brothers were jumping up and down, chanting as if they'd just won a game. "We found Donnie! We found Donnie!"

Now my family draws closer..

Then just like before the memory vanishes..and I'm back in the lair…

and Sensei is taking his last breath.

No, please! Not again! Please if there is a God out there, anywhere..don't make me go through it again, don't make me watch him die..

_Master Splinter opens his eyes and he looks at us one by one. _

_His face pulls into a weak smile and he looks at us, so lovingly, so like a father._

"_My sons." He says in a voice we can barely hear. _

_We gather around him as closely as we can, holding his hands and straining to hear his last dying words. "Remember my sons; remember everything I have taught you, not only in the ways of Ninjitsu, but also in the ways of life. It is my greatest wish that I could be with you in body as you continue your journey though your lives, but know I will always be with you, in spirit. Never forget how proud I am of all of you and never forget how much I love you." His voice falls silent, his eyes close and our father dies in front of us._

_I look at my brothers one by one, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say…I..I.. I look at my brothers..I…_

It..it's too much. I can't think anymore..all I can do is feel..the pain, the despair.. he died.. he died…

I lose control, I find myself falling..and suddenly I'm on my knees both inside the memory..and in real life. I watch the memory of my brother Raphael and I see the tears streaming down his cheeks..tough guy Raphael is crying.. Things couldn't be worse..

My heart is breaking all over again, I can't..I can't…

I did everything I could and it wasn't enough. I tried and I tried, and yet my father still died. There was nothing I could do…

I didn't want to remember because I didn't want to believe that it was completely out of my hands, I would rather have believed that I'd tried and failed then believe I only had the illusion of a chance…I would rather have lived with the guilt of having been responsible for my father's death, then lived with knowing there was nothing I could do.

Sensei said that there is a beginning and an end to all things..and he knew that was his end. I've been trying to hold all the emotions back for so long and now the damn is broken and I feel it all at once. The agony of the knowledge that I will never see Splinter gain, the ache of the loss, the fear of the future, the empty space in my mind where he should be. There is suddenly a feeling around my body, like someone's wrapping me in blankets..but the cold has finally seeped into my dreams. I feel so tired, so numb, so worn out. I can't keep upright any longer.. Inside and outside of my memories..I fall.


	21. Far away from calm

_Leonardo_

That yell came from the left and we only went a few feet in that direction before Don suddenly came running back at us! He comes running from the trees at full speed and a few feet from us he suddenly skids to a halt. We can see his face now, his eyes are open and they look so strange! They're white, his pupils aren't even visible and the look on his face is disquieting, he looks terrified. His face is wet from tears and from the rain, dirty and scratched, he looks down at his hands, and then around him, like he's not seeing what's really there but something inside of his own head.

"Please, not again, not again..it's too much..I can't, I can't.." his voice is barely above a whisper and if the wind hadn't let up we wouldn't have heard him talk at all.

Slowly I take step towards him holding out my hands and saying that everything is going to be all right. Then his legs give out from underneath him and he falls to his knees.

"There was nothing I could do, nothing I could do.." Don's voice sounds so sad, so broken what's happening to him? Has he really lost his mind?

I manage to get within arms reach of him and I kneel down beside of him. His skin is ice cold when I touch him and when Mike hands me a blanket I wrap it around his shoulders. It's not going to be enough though, he's going to need to get warmed up and fast and one blanket isn't going to do it. But first we have to get him back to the farmhouse.

"It's okay Don..we're here, it's going to be okay." I try to sound strong, although inside I'm anything but, I wrap another blanket around him and I watch the tears streaming down his cheeks and the look of desolation on his face.

"Donnie." I try to get through to him, to tell him that Mike and I are here for him but he simply keels over and falls forward into me. I grab a hold of him to keep him from hitting the ground. I've never seen him like this; he's always so calm and collected. He's the intelligent one, he's the voice of reason..and now he's about as far from reasonable and calm as he can get. It's distressing, and it frightens me.

"God..Donnie.. stay with me..please stay with me.." I'm so afraid that he'll just give up, that he'll just let the cold and the despair take him down..and then we'll be burying him out there right next to Splinter. I can't loose someone else I care about..I can't loose my family. "Please Donnie.." I put my arms around him and I pull him into a hug.

He has to know we're still here, that we still care about him..that he can't give up. To my surprise he responds to my hug, hugging me back and he whispers in his voice so hoarse it sounds painful.. "I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too Donnie.."

"I'm sorry."

Mike wraps a blanket around me, another around Don; he puts one around his own shoulders before kneeling down in the mud beside us. He smiles at me and puts a hand on my shoulder, then a hand on Don's and he squeezes my shoulder tightly, giving me reassurance. We both look at Don and his eyes are suddenly clear and he's looking directly at us..and at someone else at the same time. His eyes focusing and un-focusing, then he smiles, "Sensei." and he passes out completely.


	22. Found

_Donatello_

Inside and outside my memories I fall..and someone catch me in both. Through tired, hazy eyes I see two images in front of my eyes, one superimposed in front of the other.

In my dream I'm still six years old and Sensei is standing in front of me keeping me from falling..in reality I see the blue of Leo's mask and I see his face filled with fear.

The image of Leo fades and I'm still in the sewers..but I'm no longer six. I'm sixteen and Splinter is still standing in front of me holding me steady.

His hand on my arm feels so real; he looks so solid, so healthy and vibrant. Every fur on his body is the way it was before he had gotten sick. So real..so..alive…

In the far distance Leo's voice.. "God..Donnie.. stay with me..please stay with me!" He sounds desperate, worried, I hear him but he sounds so far away and Splinter's presence is stronger. "Donatello." Splinter says to me, the sound of his voice so comforting and yet powerful. It's so good to hear but I know I'll never hear it again in reality..

"Sensei." I look at him and I can see the compassion in his eyes. "I'm sorry." It's all I can say even though there's so much that I want to tell him. I'm sorry for everything, for failing, for trying to forget, for what's happening now..for not even having a chance.

"I'm sorry."

Splinter's eyes are so sad, as he looks at me, I can see tears rolling down his furry cheeks. He puts a hand on my shoulder and he shakes his head. "No my son," he says..and then he pulls me into a desperate hug. "It is I that am sorry."

I flash back to that day in the sewers, the lost little turtle; so cold, so afraid, alone..finally found by his father..and suddenly so happy, so relived, so loved. Father you found me..and I'm still here.

Splinter's hug almost squeezes the breath out of me, and I feel so happy despite everything I've been through in the last few weeks and days. I've seen him again, just this once..but it's enough. I've walked and I've dreamed..and I finally feel at peace.

I can vaguely hear Leo's voice and I feel that Leo too is hugging me.

For a second the split image appears again and back in reality I can see the dark orchard around me; I see Leo kneeling in the mud in front of me, and Mikey kneeling beside me. In my mind I see Splinter standing in front of me. Splinter speaks again, drawing me back to my mind.

"Donatello." He says to me.

"Sensei." I smile at him and at Leo and Mike.

"Rest, my son..rest.." Splinter puts a hand on top of my head..and suddenly I _understand …_then everything slowly spirals into darkness.

This time I don't fall..because both Splinter and my brothers are there to catch me.


	23. Imagination?

_Michelangelo._

Even Leo and I are feeling the cold now. That wind's started back up and the rain's hitting us from all directions. We've both got one of Don's arm's around our necks and we're carrying Don between us, trying to get out of the orchard as fast as we can…but even though the orchard isn't that big it isn't that easy to find our way out. All the trees look the same and we can't tell which way we came, even our tracks have been washed away by the rain. It feels like the temperature's dropping even as we're standing here, geeze I didn't know it could feel this cold! Even the time Donnie and I accidentally got caught in that freeze trap from that monster hunter chick I didn't feel as cold as I do now. We're cold we're lost and it's starting to get really bad out here, man didn't I already say how much this year sucks?

Eww! What did I just step in! I really hope that was just a couple of rotten apples.

Funny ten minutes ago the storm had seemed calmer, but it's as if now that we've found Don it's like..pissed off or something. Maybe it's just my imagination.

There's a flash of lighting across the sky above us, it arcs down and connects with the ground somewhere on the other side of the orchard.. I can feel clap of the impact as it hits the ground and the ground shakes even here. The sound makes my eardrums rattle…and it makes my heart rattle too. That was a little to close for comfort.

Leo knows it too. His teeth are clenched as he pulls us to a halt and fumbles under the blankets around him for his Shell Cell.

"We're not going to get out of here blindly wandering around in the dark..I'm calling Casey. It's getting to dangerous to be in these woods right now!" He yells at me over the wind.

I'll second that!

These shadows are looking just as nasty as before, and I still can't help but feel afraid of them. I can stare at the darkness and see things move and I can't believe it's just my overactive imagination. There's no form that I can see, just the dark that's moving and…ow hey! It's raining apples!

Ow, ow, ow.. that smarts.

I guess all that wind has finally shaken some apples loose from the trees.

"Casey! We've got Don but we can't find our way out of here.. turn your lights on and honk your horn!" Leo yells into the Shell Cell.

"Gotcha Leo!"

In the distance to our right we can see a set of headlights suddenly appear in the darkness…and I can just hear the honking over the wind. Finally we're getting out of here! I'm not touching another apple for at least a month.

Leo pulls the blankets up around Don's head and around his own and motions for me to do the same, and we take off as fast as we can..I see another flash of lightening and somewhere behind us another crash. My eardrums and my heart rattle again.

I concentrate on the light..one foot in front of the other, moving towards the light here.

Not thinking about how we're in the middle of a forest in a storm that's suddenly got a lot of lightening in it, not thinking about becoming fried turtle..one foot in front of the other Mikey, move towards the light. I see the movement now, the shadows are coming closer as if they're trying to cut us off and keep us from getting out of the orchard. My heart starts to race, and I get that kinda fear that you get when you're lying in bed and all of a sudden you're sure there's something under your bed, or in your closet. You get that feeling that something is _there_ and it isn't to make friends. I've got that hide under your covers kinda fear running down my spine now. Is my imagination that's really working overtime now?

"Leo..do you see that!"

"Don't look around you Mike, just keep going!"

"Michelangelo." I hear the whisper on the wind and I know whose voice it is.

Sensei appears in the lights of the Casey's van not far in front of us.

"Run my son! Run!"

I don't need to be told a third time and apparently Leo's heard it too.. we put everything we have into our legs and we run…the shadows move around us reaching, the branches scratch at us and the mud sucks at our feet. Another apple hits me on the shell…

And finally we're out of the woods and racing across the grass to where Casey's waiting with the van. As we get Don into the back and we close the door behind us, and as Leo gets on the Shell Cell to April, I look back at the trees through the window and they look completely normal. There are no moving shadows, no strange creatures, no glowing eyes. Its like I'd just imagined the entire thing. There's another flash as lightening hits the orchard.. and in that flash I can see Sensei standing in front of the trees. He folds one hand over his walking stick and he holds the other up in the air like he's saying good-bye …and then he's gone.

Then Casey turns the van around and peels out of the orchard at full speed.


	24. Wait and see

Raphael.

About damn time! I got tired of sittin' in bed and waitin', so I got my shell outta bed and now I see the headlights in the driveway.. and Casey's van pulls up. Where the shell have they been, it's been more than an hour!

It's all I can do to get down the stairs and by the time I get down there they've already got Donnie across the living room and inta the bathroom. I heard April's Shell Cell go off a little bit ago and I heard her talkin' ta Leo, then she just went inta the bathroom an started fillin' up the tub! I was sittin' there wonderin' why the heck she needed a bath just when Donnie's in trouble..but it turns out the bath ain't for April..it's fer Donnie.

Leo sees me draggin' my shell across the livin' room and he don't look too happy ta see me downstairs.

"What do you think you're doing Raph?" He turns away from the bathroom doorway and crosses his arms cross his plastron, givin me his best Splinter Junior look.

"I've seen enough a that bed Leo, I ain't gonna get better sittin' on my ass."

I edge past Leo and head inta the bathroom. Casey and Mike pick Donnie up like he don't weigh nothin' at all and they put him in that tub full a warm water, mask, gear, cast and all. I can tell the water's warm by looking at it, and I hope she didn't make it too hot. It might hurt Don to go from too cold to really hot in such a short time. Donnie just lays there in that water, and he don't move and he don't make a sound. He's still out cold..and he looks worse than I imagined. I mean, April told me how my bro's got hurt tryin' ta save my shell; told me about what happened ta Don..but man I didn't think he was hurt that bad. Those bruises on his neck are startin' ta fade but they still look like one mess 'a purple and black, and his arm still ain't healed. Aw shell, as if I wasn't feelin' guilty enough already with what happened ta my bro's with Hun…this ain't helpin'.

"How long do we leave him in there?" Mike asks April lookin' just as worried as she does. That worried look on April's face is bad, but it ain't nothin' compared ta the look on Leo's face right now.

"Until his blood has had a chance to match the temperature of the water around him. You guys are cold-blooded, you can't get warm like Casey and I can. We just have to keep his head above water and wait." April says gettin' down nexta the tub and puttin' a hand on Donnie's forehead.

"You're going to be okay Don…" It ain't much higher than a whisper, and I'm bettin' she didn't say it ta comfort us.

Donnie don't say anything, I'da been surprised if he had.

"He'll be okay Mikey, come on. Let's go get some tea ready for when he wakes up." Casey says pattin' Mikey shell. Mikey looks really scared, like he's about ta burst inta tears. He don't need to be in here, Casey's idea's a good one.

"Yeah Mikey, tea'll be good for Donnie. It'll help ta warm him up." I tell him givin' him my best smile. I'm tryin' ta be calm here but I'm as freaked out as he is. I ain't never seen Donnie this bad, and it ain't somethin' I ever wanna see again in my life.

Mikey don't look like he wants ta leave, but he goes with Casey anyway, leavin' me, Leo and April with Don.

"Ya..ya think he's really gonna be okay April?" I don't know what the heck I'd do if she said he wasn't..but I gotta ask. I look over at Leo and his face ain't gonna win no beauty pageants either. He's got dirt and stuff all over him, he looks like he could use a dip in that warm tub too but he don't even notice, he just keeps lookin' at Donnie.

April picks up a washcloth and starts washin' the mud and crud offa Donnie's face an neck. The water around him is already turnin' brown from all the stuff he had stuck ta him. "I know he will Raph." She says givin' me a smile…then she turns back ta Donnie.

Finally after what seems like hours, Donnie finally gets warmed up enough and we all help him get ta the couch in the living room where April and Leo cover him in a lotta blankets again. For a time there we were pretty scared there in the bathroom. He was so damn cold and he looked so bad, it seemed like it took years for him ta warm up any at all. His arm's still messed up and he's banged up pretty good, but Leo doesn't look so worried anymore…now he just looks pissed. He made Mike take a shower and then he finally took one himself. Now he's standin' next ta the fire just starin' at it, he's got a nasty scowl on his face and I'm wonderin' what the heck he's thinkin' about. Casey and Mike bring us all tea and we all pull up chairs, sittin' there in the quiet,listenin' ta the storm still goin' on outside, drinkin' tea ta keep warm.

An we just wait.


	25. Going to be okay?

_Leonardo_

The fire is warm, Don is safe and asleep on the couch… I should be relived, shouldn't I? I should be happy that what's left of our family is still whole, and we've all come out of it relatively unscathed.. but all I can feel is anger. Out in those woods I was so afraid that he would just give in to everything, I was so afraid we'd loose him..and now my fear has turned into anger. How could he scare us like that after everything we've been through in the last month?

The clock on the wall tells me that it's somewhere after two in the morning but I can't sleep; I've got too much on my mind. When he wakes up and starts feeling better both he and Raph are going to have some answering to do.

I don't get it, Donnie's usually so responsible, why did he pull something like that last night? What was he thinking? It's my job to keep them all safe now but last night I came close to failing in my new responsibilities.

What would I have done if we had lost him? What would we have done? After Sensei I don't think our family would have made it.

Raph looked tired so I sent him and Mike to bed, they wanted to watch Don in shifts but they need the rest and I wouldn't be able to sleep even if I tried. April and Casey checked on Don one last time and went to be somewhere around ten. I've been standing here staring at the fire and thinking ever since. Where do we go from here? How am I going to take care of them when they can't even take care of themselves? How can I make them see? I finally get tired of standing and I pull a chair up next to the couch so I can keep an eye on Don. He still looks so pale, so tired, but at least the bruises on his neck are starting to fade and he's resting peacefully. I pull a blanket around myself and I stare at a point somewhere on the wall behind the couch…and before I even realize it the clock on the wall chimes six in the morning, and Mike's shaking my arm asking if I'm okay.

Huh, I guess I did manage to doze off.

Raph comes down a few minutes later. He looks down at the couch and then he smiles and pokes me in the shoulder.

"Hey Leo..look who's awake."

I look down at the couch and Don is wide awake and looking at us. I think he's been awake for several minutes watching all of us..watching me. That look is gone from his eyes, it's like he's finally let go of what's been bothering him and he's a peace. He looks better now; he looks like his old self.

He tries to sit up, and Mike helps him.

"Hey easy bro, you thirsty? I'll go getcha some tea." Raph says putting a hand on Don's shoulder.

"Y..yes..thank you." Don's voice is hoarse at first but it clears up. "How long have I.."he asks looking around.

"You've just slept through the night, its morning now Don. April and Casey are still in bed but we couldn't really sleep." I tell him. Mike grins at me.

"Speak for yourself bro you were drooling and snoring.."

"I do not snore!" Well I don't.

Don laughs and I can't help but feel relieved; Donnie's back to normal and he's going to be okay.

I guess this means we're all going to be okay...but that doesn't mean Don and Raph are off the hook yet.


	26. Family

_Michelangelo._

Raph brings Donnie his cup of tea and we all sit around the couch talking to him.

He hasn't said anything about what happened other than to ask if we were all okay. Yep, he's back to normal all right. He looks so calm, not like he'd just almost died.

He looks over at me nods in my direction. "Mikey your face looks better."

"Better? It looks fantastic, scar or not. Heck even If I had a scar it would only enhance my cool factor. I mean what's more dashing than a good looking, swashbuckling guy like me with a mysterious scar across his face..imagine the conversational possibilities."

"Yeah and it made yer chances of getting a job in a sideshow at some travelin' Circus somewhere even better. The amazin' butt faced turtle, ought'a knock 'em dead Mikey." Raph says grinning. I elbow him.

"Should you be out of bed yet?" Don says raising an eye ridge at Raph.

"Aww geeze Donnie, don't _you_ start." Raph says rolling his eyes.

"Forget it Don you're wasting your breath. He's already been over it with April and with Leo..and both of them lost. He's his old ugly, bull headed self." I tell him sticking out my tongue at Raph.

"Keep it in yer mouth if ya don't wanna loose it Mikey." Raph says giving me a noogie.

Hey that burns!

"How are you feeling Don? Are you cold?" Leo asks sitting up in his chair, ready to get a blanket if Donnie needs one.

"No I'm okay Leo, thank you."

Don says shaking his head and holding up a hand to keep Leo from getting up. Leo sits back in the chair again, he's looking kind of antsy, and I'm betting fearless leader's got something on his mind.

"Ya kinda freaked our bros out, back there in the woods Donnie. But hey I guess even the biggest brains go inta melt down every one in awhile." Raph shakes his head and puts a hand on Don's good shoulder. "Seriously bro forget about how we're feelin', you gonna be okay?"

Donnie nods. "Now I will Raph, yes."

"Good, cause normally I'd reserve this honor for Mikey when he's done somethin' really stupid but.." Raph leans over and gives Don a not too hard whack on the head.

"Talk about all yer boneheaded stunts!"

"Ow." Donnie rubs his head an he looks so sad, and so sorry I can't help but feel bad for him. "I'm glad we had this talk bro. Don't ever do that again." Raph says crossing his arms across his plastron.

"I guess I deserved that." Don says wryly.

Leo frowns.

"Donnie what the shell were you thinking?" he says with a sigh.

"I expect this kind of thing from Raphael but you're smart enough to know better."

"Hey Leo, maybe we ought'a leave this fer later..don't'cha think?" Raph says with a pained look.

"Don't think you're off the hook for your stupid little stunt back there with the Purple Dragons. You and I still have to have a little talk." Leo says turning to look at Raph reprimanding. Raph frowns.

"Hey, guys can you two not start this stuff right now? We're all tired and we just want to get some rest." I don't want them to start fighting now, I've had enough of fighting, and crying and I just want to see everybody be nice and calm and happy for change.

Is being reasonable so hard?

"It's cool Mikey, Leo and I ain't gonna start fightin'" Raph says shaking his head.

"Okay Leo.. If ya got somethin' under yer shell let's just get it out now…but don't be mad at Donnie be mad at me. I'm the one who got my shell shot and captured by Hun, if it weren't fer me we wouldn't even be out here."

"Raph." Don says shaking his head. "What happened tonight wasn't your fault. It was mine."

"Donnie.." Raph starts frowning.

Leo turns his frown on all of us.

"Look I don't care whose fault it was. It doesn't change the fact that it happened.

I don't know if you three have noticed but we're alone now. We don't have the luxury of acting like adolescents anymore. If our family is going to make it we're all going to have to grow up and we're going to have to do it now. Our lives are our responsibility now.. and they're my responsibility too." Leo leans forward in his chair and puts a hand on his knee.

"Guys whether we like it or not Sensei's gone, and I'm the one that's going to have to take up where he left off. I'm responsible for this family now, and I… I don't think I can do it alone. I know I can't do it alone." He sighs and runs a hand over his head.

"You aren't going to have to do it alone Leo." Don says reaching over and putting a hand on Leo's shoulder." Because we're going to be here to help you."

Leo softens a little and squeezes Don's free arm. He sighs. "I know that Don..but it's going to take more than your emotional support. Especially you Raph, you're going to have to listen to me when I ask you to do something, you're going to have to trust me like you trusted Sensei. I..I learned a lot from the Ancient One, but he didn't teach me anything that can even come close to helping me continue our training, or help me teach us what we're supposed to know. I can't take Sensei's place; I can only be a shadow of what he was. We..I..weren't ready for all of this."

Leo stops and looks down again.

"Leo.." Raph says and Leo looks over at him. "Ain't nobody ever ready for this kinda thing. Casey told me how he felt when his dad died..and I know that April felt just the same..but we..what we're feelin' is different cause it's bigger. Humans loose family they only loose a part o' their lives..we lost our whole life. Ya don't bounce back from somethin' like that after two weeks..it takes a long time. You don't gotta take it all on yer shoulders bro, you can't be Sensei no matter now hard ya try..and ya don't need ta be. We don't need another Sensei bro..we just need you. You'll do okay Leo, cause we believe in ya. We always have and we always will."

Leo stares at Raph and he looks really surprised like he didn't expect Raph to say something like that. "Thank you Raph." He says sincerely.

Raph puts a hand on Leo's shoulder.

Still, I can tell there's something more bothering Leo and I know that if big bro keeps talking it will come out eventually. Donnie knows it too, and I think he's got a good idea what. He leans back and pulls the blanket around him like he's cold so I give him another one. He smiles at me. "Thanks Mikey."

He turns back to Leo. "If you want to know what I was thinking I can only tell you I wasn't, Leo. I was remembering."

"Yes, well while you were out there remembering did you happen to remember that you have three brothers, and two friends back here that were worried sick about you?"

Leo says with a sigh.. and bingo! Leo finally gets out what's really bothering him. It only took him a whole day, that's a lot less time that usual, so that's pretty good. Hey maybe Leo did learn a thing or two from the Ancient One after all. Well more than all those really cool new Ninja moves and how not to be so Darth Leo all the time.. that's a plus. Leo keeps going and it looks like Donnie's words have gotten him started again. "Whatever possessed you to just take off into the woods like that? Do you realize you could have died out there?" Leo says throwing up his hands.

"Splinter." Don says softly looking down at his cup and stirring his tea with his spoon.

That stops Leo in his tracks.

"What?"

"I saw an image of him standing underneath the window. When he went into the woods I followed him. I was only going out there to see what it was; I wanted to see if it was a figment of my imagination, or perhaps a ghost, or something similar..whatever it was as soon as I got near him I suddenly started remembering everything I've been trying to forget these past two weeks."

Donnie stops and he looks down suddenly very sad. He takes a sip of his tea.

"It got to where I couldn't stop remembering, and then I couldn't even get out of my own head. I don't know how I got out there in the orchard; I guess my body just followed my memories. I know all that time, that Sensei was there with me."

"It was Sensei that helped us find you Donnie, we saw him out in the woods." I tell him leaning forward in my chair.

"An I saw Sensei while I was out. He told me all kinda stuff.." Raph stopps and frowns and it looks like he's actually thinking_ before_ he says something, If that isn't a first I don't know what is. I want to make a joke about not hurting something by thinking to hard but I think he'll just hit me on the head and I'm thinking things are too serious right now for a joke.

Woah..hey wait a minute..did that phrase just come out of _me_?

"Well he didn't really tell me..he kinda..thought it all at me..like one second I didn't know all of it..and the next I just knew everything he wanted me ta know." Raph says looking over at Don.

"I had much the same experience." Donne says. "Do you remember what he wanted you to know?"

"Not while I'm tryin' ta remember it. I think I'll only remember what he wanted me ta know when I'm suppost'a." Raph says shrugging.

I remember the shadows in the woods and I'm wondering if it's connected to everything that happened. "And being out there in those woods was freaky, the shadows looked like they were moving or something and It could have been my imagination I guess.. but did you see anything freaky?" I ask.

"I felt something Mike, but I don't know what it was." Don says shaking his head.

He takes another sip of his tea, I don't think he even notices that it's cold. He's thinking about other things.

"So you think it was Splinter that lured you out into the woods in the middle of a storm? You think it was Splinter who let you get lost inside of your mind and Splinter who almost got you killed?" Leo says looking puzzled, and shaking his head. "I saw Sensei too when he lead us to you, and he looked scared. He would never put any of us in danger, for any reason."

"I don't know if it was really Sensei I saw out there going into the woods, I'm not saying it was. I am merely saying I know he was out there with me…and I'm wondering if something else was out there too." Don says shaking his head.

"Like what, some kinda monster?" Raph says leaning forward and frowning.

"I don't know, I don't even know if there was something out there..maybe we all imagined it everything.. maybe Sensei wasn't a ghost but a collective Psychic projection of our own emotions and intuition. Perhaps those shadows you saw were just manifestations of your own fears and feelings about Sensei's death, aided by a healthy imagination.. I can't say anything for sure. What I do know is that whether his ghost was really him or he was only with us in our minds he was with us." Don doesn't take his eyes from his tea, he just keeps staring at it it's as if he's trying to put all of his thoughts in order.

"Do you remember that day when I got lost in the sewers?" Don asks stirring his tea again.

Leo looks surprised. " Yes."

"I remembered it, while I was out there..and I remember how you three and Sensei found me. I remember how scared he had been..and how much he loved me..how much he loved us.." Then Donnie looks up, and he has an intense look on his face . "For the past two weeks I've been lost Leo. I've been trying to keep from remembering the past and in the process I've been forgetting how to live. I was losing myself Leo, losing everything that I was and everything that I am. Last night I remembered what I'd lost and in the process.. I remembered who that I am."

"You see that day so long ago I was lost in the sewers and Sensei found me. For these last few weeks I've been lost again and last night Leo…Sensei found me."

Donnie looks at each one of us and he smiles. "Sensei found all of us. He helped me to find myself and he helped you to find me. Even in death, Sensei's still watching over us, even in death he still loves us." Donnie stands and he's looking like his old self for the first time since the day Sensei died.

"You're not going to be alone Leo, because we're all here. We're a family and we're going to stay that way. We're going to go on, because its what Sensei would want. We're going to live."

He holds his good hand out into the air in front of him palm down and looks at us expectantly.

Leo smiles and he puts his hand on top of Don's, Raph and I do the same.

"To living." Don says nodding.

"Ta Sensei" Raph says with a smile.

"Yes..to Sensei." Leo says.

We stand there for a second looking at one another and we all fall into a group hug.

"Hey cool, does this mean we're going to be okay now?" 'Cause I was kinda worried there for a second.

"We're going to be fine Mike." Leo tells me pulling away. "As long as we stick together."

"So..no more zombie Donnie?" I ask looking at my bro.

Don smiles. "Not even a slightly dazed one."

"No military action Leo and no beserker Raph, we're all going to work together and actually talk for a change?"

"We swear Mike." Raph says with a smile.

"Well it's about time!"

We all laugh and we have a group hug. Man it feels good to have my bros back in one piece.

"Hey we ain't gonna start singin' kumbaya, bakin' cookies, and gettin all mushy and stuff are we?"

Raph asks jokingly giving us a mock frown.

"Shut up and drink your tea Raph." Leo says with a smile.

The door opens to Casey and April's room and they come out rubbing their eyes.

They both see Don standing there and both of their faces break into a smile.

* * *

Yep, it's been a bumpy ride and even though things haven't been all that happy, happy joy, joy lately and we've still got a long way to go before we stop feeling the pain of Sensei's death..I think that eventually we'll be okay.

With Sensei watching over us..I know we will.


	27. First Day

_Donatello_

When one loses someone dear to them, it is commonly accepted that one will go through five stages to grief. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Some people go through these stages faster than others, experiencing over months what takes others years of their lives. Some people skip one stage and experience the others more poignantly; still others can sometimes remain in the same stage, unable to move on until something or someone helps them to move beyond it. There is no roadmap to grief, there are no signs showing you the way, there are no rules. It is difficult to predict how someone will react to death and to grief, it is difficult to say what is normal behavior and what is not.. because everyone grieves in different ways. Some take years to heal from their loss, others months…and some never do truly heal.

In the end it is the final stage that is of the most importance, like the sun shining in all of its glory after the wrath of a storm has passed. It is the hope after the despair, the comfort after the pain…it doesn't mean that one forgets, or lets go of the memories of the ones they loved It only means the remembrance of good times, and the recognition that while there has been a loss and that loss has been great..one can still hold on to that loved one by keeping them in their hearts and living their lives as best they can in their memories. After the trauma, and the grief; after Denial, Anger, Bargaining and Depression; it is Acceptance that matters the most..for without it the cycle never breaks and those that are still alive are not living. Acceptance does not mean forgetting, it does not mean the pain and the grief vanish; it is merely the beginning of what is to come afterwards. It is only a start. Acceptance is first day of the rest of one's life.

It is difficult to tell where our lives will lead us from here on out. It is difficult to say which roads we will have to travel, what dangers and challenges we will face. All we really can say is that we have taken the first step down the paths that will lead us through the rest of our lives. We will face what comes when it comes, and we will face it together.

Yesterday was yesterday, tomorrow is tomorrow..but today..

Today is our first day.

* * *

There it's finally finished. It took time, blood, sweat and plenty of tears but it's done. Thanks to everyone who helped out on the story and thanks again to Dimi for her help in looking over the story.

Hope you enjoyed.

Lady Rain


End file.
